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So, for the past few years I’ve really been struggling with my mental health. I had a really hard time a while ago with family stuff, and have struggled with depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, and social anxiety. Quarantine had just made the anxiety part worse. I can barely do anything, I quit all my hobbies and can’t motivate myself to do anything at all. Going out in public is like hell for me. I can’t make eye contact, I can’t speak normally, and I don’t ever take my mask off, even during school lunch. Not eating during school lunch lead to me leaving class to use the bathroom and scarfing down a bar because I’m so hungry since I don’t eat breakfast. I hate feeling like this. My family isn’t open about emotions at all. A few years ago at the peak of life falling apart, my mom tried to get me to go to therapy. I was still in denial and hated the idea of being pitied so i was not cooperative at all. I refused to speak the entire time and we got nowhere. My mom gave up after that, and theres no way I can ask her to start sending me again, I just can’t. I also don’t even think it’s in our budget to send me to therapy anymore. About a year ago, I was in the school band. We had our first concert in a while because of covid, and I freaked out. I couldn’t go, every aspect of showing up to that concert made me want to die. I refused to go and my mom and I sort of talked about my anxiety. She said we would do something about it, but because I’m really good at just masking and pretending everythings fine, I guess she sort of forgot about it, but it’s just kept on getting worse. Now I don’t know if there’s any way to get help. Asking my dad is out of the question, he doesn’t believe in mental health. He’s the type of person to tell a depressed person to just be happy. Some part of me fear being diagnosed with anything and being seen as “weak”. I don’t want my family to feel cautious around me or treat me as if I’m delicate. And I’m not extreme enough to ask for help. I self harm, but that’s all hidden, and I can’t kill myself because I don’t want to put my cat and my siblings through that, but I can’t stand being alive. Life feels so unsatisfactory, like it’s not engaging or exciting at all, I’m just repeating day after day. I don’t know how I’ll keep on living like this.
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I would try bringing it up tp your mom again, she seemed willing to help you and even if you weren't cooperative this can show her you are willing to take a step in the right direction again.. remember it doesn't hurt to try especially if you are aware of the mental state youre in and want help. But if it is not in the budget, try other mechanisms, such as this, venting. Try writing you thoughts and feeling in a journal, and keep it safe with you. Journaling releases all those pent up feelings and emotions and it is only between you and that piece of notbook paper.. I know what it's like, I remeber being taken out of school and was brought to therapy I had no say, but after a couple sessions I began to open up little by little, everyone's different though. Things will get better, with time but keep your head up love <3
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