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Dear Reader,
You know that sinking feeling when you finished a film with a non existent ending. The one where the writer is trying to be clever, and you don’t know who killed who. Well that feeling, the feeling of frustration, confusion, cheated, that you’ve invested in something for nothing just to feel as lost at the end than at the same place you were at the beginning. Well that feeling is just exactly how I feel my life is right now. Unsatisfied, all for nothing and a little bit cheated.
I expected my film from a young age, to be an exciting one. Not a hopeless romantic comedy (although I wouldn’t mind that), neither a thrilling drama. But a relatively feel good film with sure some ups and downs, but ultimately one where the protagonist ' makes it'. I wouldn’t want a cheesy film, just a cosy sunday good watch whilst hungover.
My problem is that film never really got started. My film feels like it has been on pause for the last god knows years. That it could have had a whopping great fast success story, like Wimbledon but instead is as exciting as four in a bed ch4.
I feel like my life has just been one constant stream of "OK-ness", of carrying on. I never expected myself to be just a sheep through life. Passion has always been my thing, yet over the years I find myself becoming increasingly introverted and would rather be under the comfort of my duvet curling away than having the risk of pretending to enjoy myself.
I feel the need to defend myself as I am aware my life has not been some great tragedy. Many would crave their lives to be just a peaceful Antiques Roadshow, or "This Morning". But I have always believed I would be something more, and when that realisation comes that the channel is unlikely to change, it can be really heartbreaking. Knowing what you could have been vs what you have ended up.
I know it is not the end, but It’s just I don't know how to get out of this one, and end up in the film I wanted to be in. I know manifestation is a thing, but when you are in this existence of ambivalence and mild dissatisfaction, it is hard to have the energy and even the confidence to imagine another.
Any advice on how to change the channel?
ANONYMOUS
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Well said, Anonymous. Life doesn't necessarily have to be tragic to be painful. Monotony and unmet expectations are enough to make anyone change the channel. I don't have much good advice except to suggest seeking out people who have similar passions/interests and joining forces with them.
For example, if you're a musician you can post or reply to craigslist ads seeking other musicians. If you like reading you can find an online book club where you can chat with others and talk books. If you love animals you can volunteer at a local shelter and meet likeminded people. These things often lead to bigger projects, or at least they can make you feel interested in life again.
Of course I'm a hypocrite because I don't do any of those things (anymore) because even the act of meeting others requires huge motivation which I don't have. And when we get stuck in a rut, there's literally no way out unless something changes. Sob I guess all I can really say is I know how it feels. And I HATE dumb movies that end with no ending.
ReplyHow about just switching off?
Reply