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Since the beginning of this school year, I have been tried my best. Not a type of I do my homework I am done, but the type in which I cry and write and write until my hand cramps up. It's satisfying in some sad sickening way, I feel like I am proving something. However I don't want to prove anything at the same time, I know that in the end, I will end up with one mistake that will crumble my entire kingdom. A kind of tiny mistake that sticks in my mind, like a buzzing fly, I am unable to catch it or kill it and it enrages me. Of course, my mother is of no help at all, she is the one planting such flies into my brain and whispering to them all the things she is ashamed of. If this was not bad enough, she never has stood up for me. She has always chosen her boyfriend over me, the boyfriend of which has caused me to ''hack his phone and watch him.'' She feeds into a paranoia that not only affects him but feeds into mine. Am I able to trust even my family, if not then I am all alone? If so then I might just disappear in the memories of the past, in which the embrace of a young mother felt sweet and distant, a type of memory that I'll never be able to go back to. That's what hurts the most, that the memory will just be that, a memory. I am almost 18 years old, I await for that spring of may in which the candles are burned and all my dreams become just that dreams, I'll be an adult. Like I always have been, no childhood, no adolescence, just pure emptiness to the monotony of a sad begging to what will be the rest of my life. I however still hold onto the hope of graduation, moving out, and getting very far away from this town. I hold onto the dream of being an ER pediatrist or child psychologist and helping those kids of which I might be a difference in their life. I wanna give to kids what I never had, someone. However, I still hope in the night where I can lay down in peace and close my eyes for eternity. I am just trying.
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