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You know that moment in life and love when you're just sitting there, laying there, or maybe you go for a walk, trying anything you can do just to... well just to not feel it. I'm in that moment.. I'm in it right now, and it doesn't matter what I do with myself, it doesn't matter what music I listen to. Everything and I mean every little thing, just reminds me of you.
And I don't know what hurts more... living with it or not living with it at all.. I use to say, that I would wish my feelings for you and the feelings I get with you on someone else... because it was beautiful, it really was..
This was real, it really was real, and I can tell myself you didn't care or you didn't love me as much as I want, but I know, you did...
One minute, you're happy, you're laughing so much your stomach hurts-to the point where you can't breath.
And the next moment, oh the next moment..
Well, the next moment you're here..
You're alone, and you tell yourself that you want to be alone, that you need your time alone, but somewhere inside of yourself, you know you need that one specific person, because without that person, it feels like you're dying and that feeling... is what will consume me.
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I know that feeling all too well. But I went and messed things up. I swear not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And I think about her eyes that I fell into. I wanted so much to confide in her. Cuz usually she's the only person I want to talk to. But I can't get ahold of her anymore. It bothers me so bad. I'm not even a super emotional person though it might seem like I am on here. It bugs me to no end that I can't talk to her anymore. All of it hurts. Our whole situation hurts. Idk if I can recover from it. And that part is kinda scary. Idk if everyone feels that way and just hides it. I can't hide it. I can't just be alright finding other people. Cuz no one is like her in my eyes. I fell hard. Like a ton of bricks. And it's all just sorrow. No one can take her place in my heart. I can't help that. And I have to go through life realizing everyday that I lost her. I want her to be happy. Just wish it was with me. But it's not. And I have to play this stranger role now and it causes a lot of doubt, repression, cowardice, lonliness. And basically the only way I deal with it is on here. I can't talk to anyone about this vuz they all tell me to do the same thing. Which is just get over it but I can't. I've tried countless times. But when I'm alone it creeps in. I dream. I wake up go to work and while I'm standing there peering into the cavity of like 30000 dead chicken I just think. And my thoughts lead me to her everytime. She says I'm obsessed. Ok like when I was young I used to be obsessed with GTA vice city and love and obsession are totally different. I'm not concerned about things I obsess over. I obsess over rainbow tint things but I never really think about it. No. This feeling is downright love. I love her.
ReplyI tried writing the post that's being flagged or whatever. But yes you need that person you can confide in.
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