The loss of the child I didn’t ask for

This is is a poem about losing a pregnancy that was the result of rape

The loss of the child I didn’t ask for

I sometimes wonder what you would have been like

Would you have had my hair

My eyes

My sense of humor

Your own style

Stop

It isn’t good to dwell on the past

But then again

Oh, how you would have turned my world upside down in every way possible

A child born to a child

A child created not out of love but out of pain

A child that would have come into a world that wasn’t ready for it yet

To parents that weren’t ready yet

Stop

Everything happens for a reason

But then again

I would have raised you not to be like your father, but like your aunt

Bringing light to everyone you met

Not like your grandmother, but like your cousin

Showing everyone kindness even if they didn’t deserve it

Not like me. I would have raised you to be better than me

Stop

There’s nothing I can do about it now

But then again

Maybe it’s better this way

I couldn’t have given you the life you deserved

Not at only 16 years old

But I would have been too selfish to give you up

Our lives would have been hard, harder than you deserved because this wasn’t your fault or mine

Stop

You’re in a better place now

But then again

Maybe it’s not better this way

Because even though I hate your father

Oh, how I would have loved you

The child I never asked for

My child

Every hair on your head

Every little finger

Every little toe

Every little laugh would have made it all worth it

My child

Stop

It wasn’t meant to be

But then again...