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I miss the person I used to be [TW]
5 months ago · · Anxiety, · Explicit
I miss the person I used to be. The person who enjoyed playing lacrosse and didn’t care about stats or letting the team down. Letting everyone down. Wasting all my privilege. I have had every advantage and I still fuck it up. I failed as a daughter, failed as a sister, failed as a student, and now I’m going to fail as a doctor. I’ve even failed my best friend. I’ve been a terrible friend to her when all I ever wanted was one. I count down the minutes until she leaves so I can crawl back into my closet and isolate till I either fall asleep or pass out from hyperventilating. Either way I escape my reality for a moment. A moment I wish could be a reality. Oh to be one of the characters in TV shows and movies that passes away quickly and painlessly. When they die everyone cries cuz it’s sad but I cry out of jealousy. But no one would care if I died. Sure my mom would be sad but she would also save a lot on med school tuition. Overall the world wound’t change but I would no longer be in pain. I don’t want to kill myself though, cuz that would be frowned upon and even from the grave I worry what people think of me. But put me in a car crash where the other driver is at fault or give me a fast acting cancer and I can go with my perfect persona intact. The person I used to be.