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disorganized procrastinating perfectionistic self-harming/sabotaging genius. I hate it. I have the highest grades of my class in the best private school in my area, but I still feel inadequate. I am by no means popular, but I'm conscious enough to be aware of it, unlike my friends. Except for one, M. But she's popular-ish. She wants me to be more social, but that's just the thing, I can't. I am above average at sports and have excellent fine and regular motor skills. I play tennis, chess (if peope count it), run cross country, track, am captain of the colorguard, and play piano and viola. It is just so stressful. And in between all of that, I have quiet BPD, depression, anxiety, and an INTENSE fear of failure and rejection. I also am EXTREMELY TOXIC, but for some reason have a ton of friends. It's funny, actually, because at the start of 7th grade I would cry in the morning due to lack of any. Now, I go to the bathroom during lunch to avoid having to make the decision of who to sit with. (First-world problems amiright?) I started cutting a while ago. I'm currently in self-recovery, no time for therapy if you want to keep your valedictorian status. Everyone thinks that I'm fine, they have NO IDEA. Is it wrong to want them to JUST NOTICE ME!!!!! It feels like I'm invisible. The only the teachers notice is if your grade slips, but THAT IS MY FREAKING COPING METHOD along with cutting but whatever. I'm also an INTP 5w4 if someone can tell me how to fix this, that would be great.
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Replysee a professional, not a numerolagist. so you know your type. now what? you need a professional for counseling and medication.
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