What are you looking for?
5 months ago · · Suicide · Explicit
I am tired of living. I have lost hope.
No one hears, and it hurts.
I am tired of myself, always failing at everything, always sad and angry, always lonely.
I can get fucked and possessed but that's all I ever get from human interactions.
It's so lonely...
I have nowhere to live, I have no job, I have no place in this world.
I hit the road and travelled penniless, looking for something that could make me want to live. I thought I found another way to do life but I realise I'm still just a bump no one wants close by.
I am cold and scared at night. I sneak in the deep dark woods, hide and listen to the noises for an hour before falling asleep. When morning comes and everything looks peaceful, I feel so relieved that sometimes I cry.
My mom always tells me she has no money, without me even asking. That also hurts. Last time I visited her I realised how much she lied to me about this. I always had been a stray cat, but only now I understand she actually had money and was just spending it for herself.
She says I am big enough to take care of myself and that I made my choices. I am not so sure what choice she thinks I had. It's hard talking to her.
In the past I got a student loan that wasn't even enough to finish my studies. I never managed to get a job, never got a friend to open such door for me neither, so very quickly I ended up full of debts. I couldn't rent a house anymore and started to go like birds: going south in the winters, coming back to the north in summer.
When I was a child, I was the smartest kid in the classroom. Although I had many friends, everyone were calling me "the weirdo", "the crazy"...even the teachers! But I used to be proud of it, I was protecting the other weirdos with all my might and I could force respect just with words. I used to be waiting for my friends to grow so we could have similar interests and activities but by the time they got interested in the deeper things of life their love became shallow and I was told that counting only on myself would be the only option in life.
But I knew, being smart isn't enough to reach happiness.
I grew older and friendships became more and more of a momentary affect, a strike of situational luck. Now I see everyone busy digging their own rabbit hole, no one has the energy nor the time to look to my side.
I never moved. I am still at the same Zero Point. I spent so much time searching, doing, learning, trying and keeping my head out of the waters, I am exhausted. I am burnt out of misery. Everything is yet to build but I am tired, hopeless and gloomy. Yet I am too smart for people to have mercy. I "should be able to figure out" so I am left alone with my hardcore chronic depression, my suicidal thoughts, and the task of surviving as long as possible in the streets without going through new traumas.
I wonder, really, does it worth it? What for? Why do we tell people not to commit suicide? I don't remember anymore... I think of my little sister and I tell myself that my death should look like an accident so she can live peacefully without question. I feel it's coming little by little, the idea of dying is a dark stream flowing into me, silently taking over. Without screaming, without big dramas, without the tears and the alcohol, without the terrible pain that knocks me to the floor crying when I am in a "sadness crisis". I feel like every piece of me is quietly agreeing with each other. Every piece of me had enough. There is no more dream to fulfill, only delusion is left. There is no project, no place to visit, nothing to see anymore, no discussion to have, it's always the same anyway. I am bored of "love", of "friendship", of "family", of "society", I am bored of all the fairy tales and even Camus's absurdity doesn't confort me. Maybe if I was a man I could have found somewhere on earth where I could be happy even in poverty. But as a woman there is no place on earth were I could have the time to heal my heart before getting it trashed again.