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I've been suicidal I don't even care anymore to say it. I know this'll probably get flagged too. People don't wanna mess with that. They tell you to shut up, to stop being stupid. I got there. Life got me there or whatever. I can't talk about it even though the things I've been through have taught me it can be a part of life. The only thing I can do about it is write it on a paper and forget about it. I've wanted to do it a long time now but I never went beyond self harm. I've stopped doing that too the last one or two years... I was honest. When I told my mother I'd kill myself before she found out why I was crying when she found me crying on my desk in a horrible state... I felt that way deep in my heart, lived by it... But right then and there I did the unexpected. Surprised myself again. As if I lived in a movie my brain just clicked and I decided to tell her. I came out to her and I told her I was suicidal because of it, because of rejection and also because of the past I've had from my parents. I told her I don't want to throw guilts but I've lost my will to live and I can't lift the blame by myself... I don't know if they were trying their best or not but I needed more. And for the first time I admitted it and basically asked for it. I asked that we work together in communicating more and understanding more... I explained to her my entire journey of self hate until getting to know love... Anyway. She felt pity for me of course she did. But I didn't manage to convince her that it was the realest thing that had ever happened to me... Not much changed... I've been more and more honest with her ever since, trying to run miles to fill some type of gap... It didn't fix me. I accepted myself. My family seemingly accepted me. It changed nothing... I was feeling cold when I was little. How could I say I was needy when I was just 5? I never felt loved by my parents... Like the anger always prevailed when I'd do something slightly bad according to them. It's like... They said they loved me sometimes, rarely over the years like two or three times... But it felt like a blatant lie. They never tried to understand, they always chose violence, they decided to be my enemies when I was at my worst and slowly giving up on everything. There's a gap... I don't know what to do... I always go back to that... I feel cheated by life... I'm not going to lie anymore... I don't understand how can someone deserve this or even survive it... It's everything and nothing at the same time... I have realised my parents have issues... I have realised I can't fix them... They can't love me or make up for lost time... Meanwhile I have had nightmares more than half the nights of my entire life. I thought my problem was loneliness but it's not. I thought I hated myself but I don't. I thought it was getting rejected but it wasn't. I thought it was choosing a career I'm not passionate about but it's not. But I can't be productive. I don't care to have fun with friends anymore. I don't want a relationship or that person in my life anymore. I don't want to hear my parents' voices ever again. And I don't want to get out of bed not even as a joke. I think about suicide a lot. It calms me down. At the same time it helps me cry when I need to and sometimes even have a panic attack in order to calm down after... But I don't feel like it's a destiny of mine anymore. I don't feel like I was born to die like that. Like I was made to be a background character in other people's lives and fail at mine... No I don't think it would be the worst of fate for me... It's an honest act and I feel like a tortured piece of meat staying alive. But to tell the truth... As much as I've always been thinking about it. I've never attempted it nor am I planning to... As if I'm worn out and grieving but one day I'll find strength... More than that love gave me... I don't see a light in the tunnel but I don't see a short tunnel either. I don't care what logic or fate has to say about my pathetic self. There are things beyond understanding, beyond emotion or vibes... And no I don't mean God. Some type of subconscious. I'm still fighting for this stupid life and I'm fighting for a good one... I'm taking a long break, I have been for years now... I don't care to be liked anymore. I don't care to be educated. I don't care if my truth fits yours or not. I don't care if you want to be my friend or not. I cry a lot for myself but through breaking so much I feel completely unbreakable... I get hurt by losing a friend or by a fight but it's different. Like I fit more stuff. I fit your point of view. I understand it and I even love you. But I can still walk out of your life if we're bad for each other... Even suicidal me has always had a lot more to offer than most. I've always seen something in me that I could see in many people. Maybe it was simply a big idea of myself... But I simply must've been born with that. People who know me and how I've been feeling dismiss the hope I have because they think they're in a worse state. Treat me as if I'm stronger, untouchable. They think that when they talk to me about their self loathing I don't know what they mean. I do I just try to talk us both out of it. I try to pick them up while I'm struggling with the same stuff. No one ever did that for me. As if it's not completely illogical for me to have hope. They annoy me. I keep hoping anyway. Even I'll be the last person on this planet with hope. F you if you don't believe in this kind of romanticism. Even if I'm meant to struggle an entire life with being happy one moment then suffocating the next I'm here for it and no one can take it away from me. Even if I reach 90 years old and only have one single smile to remember at the end I can't not do life... Cause it's unfair of me to head out because life decided to treat me like sht. What I'm thinking is maybe life has been so cruel because its holding off something great for me... I just need to get back on my feet once more..... I can't yet... But I will one day... That's what's more naive than suicide but only for people who think suicidal people are naive...
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I read your post and you don't sound hopeless just in pain which a lot of people are in this world. I would urge you to seek counseling maybe through your school. It could be very beneficial if you are willing.
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