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There is a part of me that is so deeply thankful for the parents God has blessed me with that I could cry at the very thought of how fortunate I am. How did I ever get so lucky? There’s also a part of me that wants to scream at them through tear stained eyes, “HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE IT. WHY DIDNT YOU PROTECT ME?” to add to the shame I would also loudly scream, “after I told you about it, why didn’t you seem more upset? Why do you still talk to him? Why haven’t you ever asked me how I am doing now that I came out about it after all those dark, confusing years… why don’t you seem to care more?” There’s also the hidden part of me that wonders if the abuse was my fault, if I allowed it to happen because I mean, he was my boyfriend, after all. At the time, the 11 year age difference between a 10 and 21 year old was mysterious and fun(even though I felt unbelievably dirty and confused after being with him.) And maybe, just maybe, I made the abuse out to be worse than it really was. I mean, we never actually had sex, so it wasn’t that bad, right? I remember when I started college I told my friend that I had absolutely zero desire to kiss anyone. She couldn’t believe it. It took me a few more years before I realized why. I was traumatized. The very thought of anything sexual or initimate made me queasy, I had never enjoyed it before with my childhood boyfriend of 4 years- why would I now? It wasn’t until the end of my freshman year of college that I even realized I had been abused, and processing that information was more than I could bear. So, I turned to the school counselor. For the first time, I shared everything-not realizing that because I was 17 (I graduated early) he was legally obligated to tell my parents. You have until Wednesday to tell them or I will have to do it myself. My life had never come crashing down faster. I felt so betrayed- it was as if I could hardly breath. I remember my friend helping me walk back to my dorm room from the counselors office. That day was a blur. I spent months in a deep darkness I don’t even want to recall
Why didn’t they ever ask me how I was? Why do they still talk to him?
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They shouldn’t talk to someone who has abused you. Your parents are wrong. I would distance myself if I were you. I’m so sorry. Whether they intend to or not, they are not treating you as they should.
It was NEVER your fault. Don’t ever let yourself think that. Nothing about it was your fault. I pray you will heal. God loves us all, but we must make sure to take care of ourselves and value ourselves. Your parents are wrong for talking to someone who has harmed you.
If possible, you could try to gather evidence, and try to get your abuser arrested.
Life can always get better. You can heal. I pray for you. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.
ReplyThank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much. <3 I decided against pressing charges when I came out about it a few years ago because I was so scared, and now I wouldn't know where to begin. Thank you for the love. <3
ReplyHow do you remember that user name?
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