What are you looking for?
5 months ago · · Need Advice,
I was just thinking... About how sitting next to her made me feel... I was asking myself if I was happy at the moment? And I would reply "no, I'm still worried". But the truth is I was different... And when she'd make a joke I would want to melt in laugher or tears of happiness and I'd feel almost honoured how it looked like she wanted to make me laugh... The corners of my mouth felt like they were in the right place... I miss the way she smiled and the way I'd get submerged in the moment by hanging off of her lips waiting for it. And she seemed smiley even when she was just talking... Even when I wasn't looking at her. She must've been in love herself. There's a feeling I have found to be similar to that... Looking at the sunrise... Especially in a cold weather. The way it warms up your entire body like a million hugs, how it makes you wish it never goes away, how it takes away the tension from your eyes as you relax your face muscles and gives you a feeling of abundant peace and joy... The point is... Moments like these I feel something alive inside of me. Something okay. Something that doesn't need to try, to push so hard... Something that wants to just live another day, or die in piece but either way any second of any future seems just perfect. This something doesn't mind. Like something separate from my ordinary worried self... The one that feels unloved, that bursts in tears every now and then, the one that constantly feels a deep, overwhelming sadness. I want to feel this something more often... All the time if I can... I couldn't stand missing her so I replaced her with the sun... And I am scared of the night... I close the blinds and pretend it's day outside to feel just a little warmer. Staring at the sun makes me happy... I wish I could freeze time. I don't want to fall in love, I want to find love. Since I reflected that on someone, doesn't that mean I have it in me? If the sun can do the same for me, doesn't that mean it's always there just hiding? I don't want to come across another person who brings that out of me before I have learnt to do that for myself... I don't want to be sad anymore... I'm constantly open and my heart keeps hurting... I don't know how to say it anymore without using childish terms. This is how it is. I want to be discovered before I break too much... Is it wrong to not want to toughen up anymore?... I don't know if I can do all this without someone consistently telling me I'm going the right way... Is love just validation that we're real? Can it only come to the surface if it is for another person?...