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Why the fuck are you doing this to me. YOU LEFT ME. I DIDN’T LEAVE I was there. If I remember correctly I was always there. You move out and I was there you came back and I was there you were self harming and I was there you were on your worst and I was there .then you started to slip away, and I did my best to keep you near me but it was like trying to pick up a soap from the floor in prison. In the end you are n fact going to get fucked. And I did get fucked. And you didn’t seem to care that much. I told you I wanted to die and you told me to change myself. Do you remember that coz I do and do you remember the time where I was at my worse and I called you 67 times just for you to send me to voicemail? That’s what I deserve? Voicemail? And I did leave voice messages. And then you left me on read and then you had this huge group of friends that used to call me a whore back in the day. Do you remember that. Do you remember the time when you said I’m never going to leave and that I’m always going to be here for you on your worst nights but you weren’t here on my worst nights. You stood me up and you were out with them instead. I bet without even thinking about me or how I feel. I was on my worst and you knew that. When you responded ‘’lol same’ you knew I meant it. When I was telling you random shit that had nothing to do without dry convo just to keep it moving you knew what I was trying to do. And when you answered to my ‘tbh’ with a ‘you’re cool’ or when you answered to the ‘Vass or her’ question you said her or when you were posting about your bEsTIeS I wasn’t in the videos or the stories or your mind. I wasn’t on your mind. I never was. Coz you just left. And it took me SO LONG to heal SO FUCKING LONG and tbh I’m kinda still healing coz I gave you a piece of me and when you left you took it with you. And now you’re calling me drunk saying that you miss me, that you miss us., that you miss out moments, that you miss my mom, that you miss my room and you’re saying sorry as if that make it better or less stressful or less unfair. And do you know what my actual problem is? I’m not angry. And I wanna get back to you and I our conversations aren’t awkward bc I know you and our dynamic is sadly still the same. But you’re not the same person. And I hate myself for not hating you bc hating you would make everything so much easier. You’re apologizing when you’re high but being sober doesn’t suit you anymore and you wouldn’t talk to me again if you knew that I felt nothing anymore, but I do. I care. So much that it hurts me. For a whole fucking year I would see you outside and you would just look the other way, and I would die inside even more every time I saw you pretending like I wasn’t real and that we never even happened. I’m sorry but what the actual fuck is wrong with you. No coz did you think this through. Do you think I’m stupid? And you know that I don’t wanna do it but you keep being so fucking friendly, like nothing ever happened and I can’t help by letting myself fall for your lies again. I don’t wanna get fucked up. And you’re making it so hard. You have new friends and NONE of them are matching our old vibe. And even if I fell for your friendship again it would not work. You know I give my everything to friendships. I gave my everything to you and you threw it away like it was nothing, like it was worthless and as soon as I’m at an good place with my life you just show up. I just don’t get it and im not sorry just stop. It’s not that I don’t miss you. You know I do, you’re holding on to that. But I can’t just forgive you. You broke me so bad it’s so hard for me to try not to go back. But I’m at a place where I don’t need your validation anymore and that I don’t cry thinking about you and quite selfishly I don’t care if you do coz you did not care when I did either. Coz you weren’t there the day I closed my drapes and waited for something to make the pain stop, bc my eyes were always puffed, and my head was always hurting and I was on my darkest place. It was scary but I got out of there myself I stood up myself I got over it MYSELF. I don’t need your friendship anymore no matter how bad my heart wants it. My brain controls me now and I don’t need this toxic shit in my life. I don’t know if I have to say thank you next or fuck you. Maybe both. Not sorry-Vass
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