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So I've been thinking abou this latley and I figured out how to word it. Words stick with you longer then actions. This might be obvious to some people, and it sounds obvious as I write it, but hear me out. So earlier I was remembering some things that have been said to me, both recently and in the past. All from different people. I blamed it on intrusive thoughts, and of course I felt like shit after thinking about it. But in a lot of the events I was remembering, I had moved past the context of what we were doing or talking about. I don't even think about it anymore. I just remember the one moment, the one sentence that sticks with me. And those words in the moment seem bit off to you. So you latch on to those words and wonder what they mean. Or wonder why it was said. And you repeat the words in your head. If it was in real life, I hear their voices. And constantly hearing people you hate, taunting you in a place where you would typically feel safe, it's unnerving. Or to hear your friends jokingly say things that for some reason you can't explain hurt you. You repeat that in your head. If it happens through text, you give a voice to it. And more often than not, it's your own voice. You repeat it in your head. So even when you're safe in your bedroom, you hear those you hate, those you love, and yourself all repeating the same fucking words. And your brain in a sense gives a new meaning to these words. And regardless of what was meant, this new meaning usually hurts worse. Your mind could twist playful teasing into a punch in the gut. And it hurts. It fucking hurts, but you don't want to say anything about it, because what's the point of saying anything. Everybody has moved on with their lives by now. So it keeps playing over and over in your head, driving you insane, with no way to block it out.
And I know this probably sounds obvious to a lot of people, but put into the context of what was bothering me, this really hit me. To give a face to the words in my head and imagine them being twisted into something else hit me like a fucking freight train.
(Sorry about the sudden switches from first to second person btw)
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