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7 months ago · · Depression,
i should probably preface this by saying i haven't taken my pills today... that could explain a lot lol. but the truth is these feelings come up for me every few nights. i know these thoughts and feelings will pass, but i also know that in a few days time they will come back.
i've been battling depression since i was a middle schooler (10 years ago) but i've been going through a rough patch lately. tonight, i'm especially frustrated with the way i've continuously isolated myself, and the situations that led me to believe that holding it all in was the better and safer option.
as a 14 year old, i confided in a friend who offered to trade advice for advice. we grew extremely close-- to close-- and i cut off the friendship when i realized we were far too co-dependent and the friendship was toxic and harmful for the both of us. little did i know, he would spend the next three weeks in in-patient treatment and spend the next six months battling suicidal thoughts and self-harm. i took responsibility for this change in him, and tried (and failed) for months on end to help him get back on his feet. to this day, i cannot open up to anybody without worrying that i may drag them down with me.
during the same time, i was in my first ever romantic relationship. i was battling depression (and the aforementioned situation) and occasionally shared my struggles with my boyfriend, being very careful not to overshare. in response, i heard an array of comments you'd find on any "top 10 things NOT to say to someone with depression" list-- "honestly, you really have no one to blame but yourself", "you're not even trying to be happy", "just be happy, you're purposefully making yourself feel sad"-- but i was too young to defend myself and too young to really believe that what he was telling me wasn't at least partly true. to this day, i cannot open up to anybody without feeling embarrassed, overdramatic, or invalid.
for the next four years, i kept any and all struggle completely private. at the age of 18, i started heavily drinking with my friends. on many occasions, i ended the night having a full meltdown, drunkenly telling friends how severely depressed i was-- i definitely overshared. i felt horrible, guilty, and embarrassed every time-- but still it was a cry for help and i desperately wanted someone to care. i know my friends remembered these talks in the following days, but not once did anyone reach out to me to ask me how i was doing or offer support. to this day i cannot reach out to anybody without worrying that i'll feel more alone when i realize how much time has passed where nobody has reached out to check on me despite knowing that i'm not doing well.
over the last few months, i've recognized how these events (and others) have affected how i communicate and deal with my emotions today. i know that i'm isolating, i know that i deserve to share my struggles with my loved ones and feel heard. and i've made some efforts.
i have (vaguely, as much as i could to begin with-- i don't really share unless i'm asked first) opened up to a close friend. i told her how unhappy i am, to the point that i've considered in-patient treatment for myself, and though her initial response was well spoken and encouraging, she has never reached out to me since.
i have cried to my current boyfriend of one year, telling him of the thoughts i'm battling as well as my fear of opening up and confiding in others. though he wipes my tears, tells me he wants me to open up to him, and reminds me that he's here for me, he always ends up rolling over in bed and falling asleep before i've finished crying. he never checks in on my mental health or asks me how i've REALLY been doing, when i've explicitly told him time and time again i struggle to open up unless somebody asks me first.
i have people in my life who tell me they care about me, are here to support me, and want to know how i'm doing, but nobody actually follows through. i'm so careful not to overshare with friends and family, i know how to distinguish which conversations can be had with my loved ones and which conversations should be saved for my therapist. it really feels as though the only explanation for their behavior is that they just don't want to hear it.
i'm just so tired of feeling alone.