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First I want to apologize for writting and gramar mistakes. English is not my native language.
I am almost 35 and I talk to myself. I've created a whole new world and I live in it. Why do I do that? Because I hate my life, and I am very unhappy.
One of the problem is that I never had a boyfriend, and I never slept with anyone. The reason I never had boyfriend because I have a low self esteem problem, because I have few extra pounds. Whole my life I was haressed because of that. Sometimes, even my mother and my sister would say some bad things about my looks. My sister told me a couple times that I look like a cow. I know that I am very interesting, smart and funny person, but I learned that meant nothing, because I am fat. That's why I never let anyone get close to me. Sex was out of option. I was, and I am still too embarrassed to show my body to anyone. I was affraid that they will feel repulsed by me.
That is why I created the world in which I am handsome, succesufull, and people like me. In this imaginery world I had a lot of boyfriends that loved me. It felt less lonely, and it helped me to survive all these years. The problem is that I can't live in this imaginery world, and I need to find help. I need something real. I made a decision to go to therapy. This time definitely. I tried to do it by myself. I've even lost 29 pounds. I look better, but I don't feel better.
Couple days ago, on the last day of the year, we had a little celebration in my company. And I got drunk so bad and made a fool out of my self. A
colleague drove me home and I vomited in his car. I know it's not a big deal, but I was so embarased. The problem is that I made a conscious decision that week to get drunk. I've been feeling very stressed and anxious lately. I hate holidays since I was a kid. In my family we always fought on holidays, but my parents, though they hated each other, made us sit for whole day in the same room with them and watch them fight and argue. Because, for God's sake it Christmas, we should be together as family. The New Years Eve was a little bit easier, because I celabrated it with my friends. This year I spent alone. All of my friends are married, or are in serious relationship, so they spent New Years Eve with their partners. I know it's not a big deal, to spend New Years Eve alone, but I am affraid that there is a huge chance I will spend the rest of my life alone. My brain says it' a better option. You are totally fucked up. You are sick. You have no right to fuck someone elses life. But I really need somebody. Lately I've been listening the songs from Demi Lovato and I watched her documentary. She was talking about her life and her addiction problems, and I found myself in it. I know that the message of documentary was, don't do it, but since I watched it, I have a huge craving for something that will make me numb. I have been strugling with this feelings for so long, and I finally caved in.
Last week we had celebration in one restaurant in order to celebrate succesufful year for company. I felt anxious, because I don't feel good around people. And I got drunk a little bit. One colleague (let' call him C) sat beside me at the and of the night and huged me. I feaked out, because I think I really like him. We have been joking for a couple months now, how we will get married, and inevitable I started imagining that we are really together. I was freaked about the fact that I was a little bit drunk, and that I might tell him that I am in love with him. It would make things akward. So I picked my stuff after few minutes and I said I have to go home.
And that last day of a year, we were sitting in the firm's kitchen and drinking coffee before work, and he came very pissed off at me. He asked me in front everybody, if I am feeling bothered by the fact he hugged my a couple of times, that he felt awfull because I just took off and left. In that moment I started feeling very bad. I was nervous all day. Like there was some poison in me and I started having panic atack. My hands started shaking. Nobody noticed, because I am very good at hiding it. But the fact I maybe offended him, hurt me very much. I personaly think that he was joking, but still...He also told me that he made a mistake for hugging me, he should hug everyone, so I don't imagine that he is giving me to much attention. Few days ago I called another colleague on the phone, and he started laughing, and told me that they were just talking about me, and i also started laughing. And C told me something like, all those stories you heard we said abotu you, are not like that. Don't get your hopes up, we talk like that about everyone. He thought I was mad at them for talking about me. But I wasn't. I know it was all a joke. I know that C doesn't see me as someone he could be with. The best he could see me is a fun friend. I remember that once he even mentioned that he likes chubby girls, only when he is drunk. But I am OK with that. I would like to be his friend. But I think that's imposible now. Later that day I got so drunk and I asked him is he mad at me, and apologized him. I even hugged him. I think (I hope so), i didn't tell him a really like him.
Let's get back a little bit on my imaginery world. Everything started as a little roll play. I was playing with my friends detectives solving crimes, etc. Then we became teenagers, and my friends started dating, but not me. Some kids made fun of me at school, because my breasts were bigger than other girls. Some boys thought that they have right to touch them everytime they want. I felt ashamed. I wanted to dissapear. That's when I started eating, and soon I gain a lot of weight. And since then I am struggling to lose it. When I gain weight, nobody paid attention on my boobs anymore, they started insulting me because I am fat. Sometimes they even beat me, until I learned to hit them back. So basically, no one wanted to date me. Situation in my home was very bad. So when everybody left, I stayed playing and pretending.
Sometimes I was a great detective. The best one. Off course in my world I was the best at everything. Sometimes when I was watching a movie and a TV show, and I like the leading actor, I start pretending that I am a leading actress of that movie. I would pretend that we met on the set and now we are dating. I talk to him like he is in front of me. In my world I've got so many awards for outstanding performance . Sometimes if i watch great TV show, I start imagining that I live in that world of a Tv show. And I like SF a lot.
So many times I told myself I have to quit it. It's not healthy. I even made a scenario. That girl a was pretend to be will have a huge car accident and die. I will bury her, and after I say goodbye, I will continue living my life. And it was like she died. I was grieving for days, and I never could tell anyone why am I so sad. After few days of pain, I would revive her. It's imagination, only sky is a limit, right. Today, I am more realistic. I don't imagine that I am a famous actress, dating pretty actors. Today I am imagining life with someone I know. I think that's a progress. Or maybe not. We will see.
Tomorrow I am going to call a psychiatrist and therapist to make an appointment. I went once to see therapist. At the end of the sesion she asked me, what do I expect from her. Ahhhm, your help..... Why the fuck do you think I am doing here? I just wanted to come and give you the money I need four days to earn. NO NO NO. I went, and never came back. But this time, I want give up easily. I know that I can't do it by myself. I have a feeling that this is gonna be long life, and I need help to get through it.
This is it for now. Maybe I'll write something again. Till than, I hope that for all of you reading this, life becomes at least a little bit easier.
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may you find what your inned peace soon!! I would like to share with you this lil advice: you need to feel comfortable with you, and feel happy and safe in your own company before dating someone else, only then you'll be sure you are with that person, not because of neediness but because you trully love them! Secondly, loosing weight, by experience, is not always the answer. You see, what trully matters is to work on your self steem, of course you can do that while changing some bad habits and buiding the healthiest version of yourself but, remember, prioritize the former! Mental heath is as important as physical healt, wish you the best lucks, Im sure u can do it...just trust the process :)
Replymay you find your inner peace soon*
Replyi am soo sorry for everything you are going through, sometimes i think and imagine things myself, like imagining what my life would be with someone or if i had whatever career. sometimes to help me go to sleep, i imagine him (the person i am crushing on atm) next to me. i have never actually admitted this to anyone, because i would sound like a crazy person (and i also dont really talk to people), anyways getting back to you, i personally dont think its a bad thing to imagine certain scenarios, i think everyone has their moments of doing so. Regrading your self esteem and body image, is a thing i think only yourself can work with, ofcourse the help of other people or certain accounts on media platforms could be of great help, but the change has to come from within you, you have to be the person to loves and starts loving yourself. your co worker seems nice but then gives off jerk vibes. i think that if you had explained to him wht happened when you were drunk, and he is still being rude etc. there is not a flourishing friendship or relationship there, i think hes very disrespectful, from what i understand. also if you think your life is just a huge mess and your alone and your family, is not really being a family. my advice would be to move, have a fresh start..you are at an age where this would not be restricted, if therapy isnt working, just move, find a new job, people who respect you etc.
i really hope this helped at least a little. and i really hope you feel better about your self and your life gets better.
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