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A big long bunch of complaints and venting
7 months ago · · PTSD, · Explicit
It feels fucked up. Probably because I am. Broken home/dysfunctional family. Call it what you will. It sucked. But they're long gone now. And life has moved along. And now I am the adult who came from what I guess you'd call an abusive home as a kid. And life's left bruises. And some healing happ ns sometimes. But lately... I just keep wanting connection to others. It's subtle. But I just can't get enough human interaction to feel ok and satisfied. It's like I crave social and family, maybe even romantic types of connections. But it's deeper than just wanting physical love. And it seems more fundamental than that. It's like some childhood trauma has me suffering a sort of existential loneliness of the spirit that literally feels like the most dizzying and terrifying oppression of emotional alrightness. And I know that it's like well if you can see what's happening your ok. But it's not like that. I can see what's happening because it happens from time to time and then I reflect on it. But in the moment I feel like an addict going through withdrawal from care, community, and connectedness. I'm out on these streets daydreaming about soft shit like it's the most decadent pleasure on earth because I desire it so much. Like to have people who care and won't turn on you and to have safe connections, loving, and caring connections. And just soft, warm, kind scenes. Light and fluffy moments of joy, mild adventure, and dynamic coziness. But the problem is that I really am alone. My family is gone. I have about 3 friends left and they're all at a distance from my life. And there's no real community or anything around me. And on top of the isolation. Making me feel awful. I'm starting to unravel all of these problems in my head and in my behaviors and shit. Problems that make me shy away from love and not speak up when I need support, and not ever letting anyone know when I'm having a bad day. And I just don't know. Sometimes I feel on the verge of suicide for all of the pain in life but I fight to survive with the best of em at the same time. Like just how crazy am I? But my survival is looking pretty broken these days even when I do it. And now I'll get overwhelmed by the sensation of warmth on a cold night when the candle light reminds me of little things and dim but still on lights and moments in that messed up childhood when I wanted love and was just left alone wanting it and I just had to deal with it and move on. But now I can't. NOW that I'm all grown up, this rugrat has to deal with not having that love around when I needed it. Now I'm trying to keep my sanity. As I freak out and cry and just get crushed by a horrible sense of emptiness and emotional starvation. I swear to God that this pain is real though. And that it really hurts even though it's not physical. And when it washes over me I feel like every hair on my body stands up in torment and a pain feels like my heart is ripping open and bleeding out and I can't speak even though I want to scream. And I can't think. And sometimes when it's so bad like a Charlie Horse of the soul, I can even have trouble breathing because of all the feelings. I swear it's like the experience is trying to kill me from all appearances. But somehow I don't die. Instead I eventually recover enough to move and talk and if I can't call or go to any other people at that point then I might sink into a depression or get completely obsessed over something stupid like starting a family and taking better care of them than was done for me. But even that stuff feels like it's not the real answer. But is there any answer? Is it possible to heal from my childhood scars enough to not have that happen anymore.