My Unsent Letter

Dear Logan,

I don't want to write something cheesy, I don't like cheesy. It's overdone and it's cringy. I can't think of how else to write a 'never going to send it letter to you for myself' other than cringy. It's cringy. The idea in itself is cringy. It's asking yourself if you've had too much to drink or if it's maybe past your bedtime ludicrous. Why write something no one's ever going to see on some sentimental note that, what? Once it's all out I'll feel better? How much do you have to write to feel like you've got it out? DO you ever feel that way or do you keep adding every time life slows down and your abandonment issues start acting up? I watched a Tik Tok video of a man crying, he said, "God gives his mightiest warriors the strongest battles." And he goes on to say that he doesn't want to be a warrior anymore. I just started silently bawling my eyes out.

Three years ago I met a boy completely lost. He did tons of drugs and drank himself drunk every night. He barely went to work and put zero effort into most things. But he had the most piercing eyes I had ever seen in my entire life. Don't get me started on his jawline, his hair, his SMILE. His laugh. I did what I always do. I fell completely madly in love in seconds. It was easy, It always is. Someone gives you that something you were missing and BAM there he is, the one. Are there red flags? Yes of course, who's perfect? But he has more personality than the last one and he makes me laugh. We lit each other up like the fourth of July. We laughed and our friends made fun of us because we sat at the dining room table surrounded by people and just forgot anyone else was in the room. and then we'd be screaming at each other louder than I have ever screamed at anyone else in my entire life. He touched my soul in ways no one I have ever met or ever will meet has. He taught me how imperfect of a person I could be, How much I wasn't scared of her, How I could completely embrace her with no shame at all. I had not an ounce of desire to get better for him. Logan started our relationship off BAD. I'm talking make fun of our sex loudly and drunkenly to his friends for far too long. Scream and scare me and spend his soul on coke and zanex and liquid anti-depression. He smoked cigarettes and just wasn't ready like I how wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to find someone we'd be completely happy spending the rest of our lives with. Did we find each other at the worst/best? possible time we could've? We very, unfortunately, taught each other how to love the next person. What not to do. He was my best friend and I took advantage of him and now he's gone. He loved me in ways I crave in my dreams. It very literally keeps me up at night. Everything we fought about I MISS. I miss it all. I want to touch his face and feel his skin, and see him look at me again like I'm his entire world and I can't. Because SHES his world now. Some disgusting, innocent little thief. Loving him in ways I SHOULD have, ideally, for him at least. I just have things that won't stop popping into my head. Like how DAYS before he called me to tell me I couldn't be in his life anymore, DAYS before he asked her to be his girlfriend. He was talking to ME, laying next to ME. Telling me that I was beautiful even though I hadn't showered and my hair was disgusting and I had bags under my eyes. Making me SO uncomfortable because I couldn't just accept the fucking compliment. Refusing to believe him and rolling my eyes. And laughing with each other on facetime. DAYS before he cut ties with me presumably forever I was taking him for granted as he took me out to dinner. The first question as he told me we couldn't see each other anymore was did he know it was the last time we were ever going to see each other the last time he saw me? Did he know? Did he have a hard time deciding to move on, reasonably, with this new girl? This new opportunity, free of all the old hurts and presumptions and trauma. This new love story without all the baggage and weight? Did he go spend time with her and then me? or vice versa? Was it at least a HARD decision? Was it at least sad for him to finally let go of someone he almost started a whole life with? If I had made one decision differently, ONE he'd be a permanent part of my life forever. But I didn't make that decision. I was scared. And I will regret THAT for the rest of my life. My second and third and fourth and tenth questions were all about her. I needed to know what this person had over all our memories, and love and attraction. Was it beauty? Happiness? Did she go on hikes and strive for greatness the way I had before it was sucked out of me through years of depressing, endless, fighting? Was it just easier to start dating the new roommate? That hurt by the way. You started dating me, your roommate. Then the FIRST chance you get a new female roommate you start dating her? That's not a good look dude. Super convenient if you ask me. Almost gross. But that's the bitter, lonely me who just wants my friend back. I WANT to wish you the best. But I'm not there yet. I'm not done being miserable and sad and hurt and blindsided. Your favorite word, your favorite thing you'd beg me not to do. You started dating someone while our lives were still seriously intertwined and left me to pick up all the pieces while you finally got the beautiful perfect life you were dreaming about the whole time you were with me. The one I believed you deserved more than you did. I was your hype man and pushed so hard to get you to do it that you went and did it all for her. Then I started asking things like, I wonder if he buys her flowers on their anniversary. I wonder if he takes her on dates more regularly so she doesn't feel like you're taking her for granted. I got the answer to those questions by the way. He does, actually do that. He takes her on amazing dates. Dates I couldn't have dreamed up while we were together because he verbally told me he just didn't want to. He didn't WANT to. He takes her on expensive, grand dates. I taught him so well. Meanwhile, I paid for dating him. First I paid for everything because he couldn't. No, he spent all his money on drugs and beer so when work needed him to pay for gas to travel and for the hotel fees and he couldn't. I DID. I worked my ass off to pay for it all. And then I paid in all the things that used to make me happy that don't anymore. Because he didn't approve. He slowly but surely chipped away at every single thing that ever made me happy. With perfectly time barbed wire comments. In-depth "I'm not comfortable with this thing that you do, that you did before we started dating that I said was fine." And then I was a husk. Just kind of not me anymore, not happy. All I had was the bitter resentment of everything he took away from me and ruined with his opinions and 'intelligence' and 'traditional mindset'. I told myself I could be happy becoming someone he was more comfortable with. Because that's what you did for someone you love, but I just couldn't get over the first couple of months of the relationship. And that's where I lost myself. Because he finally started getting better. He finally wanted to get better for not only me but HIMSELF. And I couldn't be happy for him. Because I'd already gone through hell to get him out of it and I think I just lost myself there. In his hell. Took his place so he could strive, sacrificed myself accidentally. Or at least that was the only way I could see it. And I never let it go, every second of every day. I ruined it all. We weren't capable of growing through it, we couldn't make new happy memories, we couldn't heal. We could do nothing but fester. And grow to learn what it meant to hate someone you loved. He would've never given up, Logan would've given his last breath trying to make sure we worked and I craved that kind of love, I exploited that kind of love. THAT kind of love goes to your head and can make you feel powerful. LOOK! no matter what I fucking do you'll still be here, you'll still LOVE ME. I had never, ever had that before. I made us act out these big dramatic fights, day after day. And no matter what he ALWAYS came back. His love was beautiful. I had no control over myself at all. zip. I CRAVED the feelings he gave me. I craved the attention and the affection and how no matter how hard I pushed over and over and over again. He loved me. But you can only be forced to 'prove' your love and get no reward, no return, no affection, nothing out of it. Before, as he said, He didn't want to prove it anymore. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed until he gave. He met someone who pulled I guess. As I said, you meet someone who gives JUST that one thing you've been desperately needing, and BAM they're the one. You fall in love within seconds. The first half of our shit show may have been his fault. But our long hard fall and the inevitable end were all mine. I fucking hate the way he ended it. It was stupid and selfish and just plain mean. I'm eight grand in open lease debt so my life is at a complete fucking standstill and he's getting an apartment with his new live-in boo. Like seriously fuck you... I do have ONE thing I wish I could do though, and it's to have a closure conversation. Get an answer to every hard and painful question I could think of. Leave no stone unturned, so That I don't have to sit up at night, asking myself all these things over and over again. Does she massage your back in the shower so your muscles don't hurt as much? Can she make you laugh as I did? You used to say you loved how much I could make you laugh and not many people could. Is she smart like me? Smarter? Is the sex better? Is it as addicting as it was with us? Do you think she's prettier? What was it about her that made you give up on us? how quickly did you move on? Do you also wake up from nightmares about me? Do you ever lie awake wondering how I'm doing as I do? Do you guys fight at all? At least a little bit? At least once about me still being in your life so thoroughly when you started dating? What scares me, Do you tell her about me? Do you tell her how horrible I was and how sad our relationship was? You always told me you would never talk about me negatively, even though I did it while we were still dating, so did you change your mind because you know I did it? Do you tell her because she's your best friend now and you can confide in her? Or do you let your friends tell her and just pretend you can't do anything about it? What part of this is all in my head? Do you miss me, just a little bit? Do you maybe have ONE last secret picture of us, momento, text thread, something I got you left? Or have you thrown it all away, scrubbed me clean, and moved on? You told me our whole relationship you wanted to go back to school, run a business, travel, all these things you couldn't do because of me. I was addicting and you were an addict. You blamed me for everything. Look at you know. Completely sober? Successful, happy, doing everything you said. So she's not addicting, right? You only do Coke once or twice now, Got it under control like you always said you would? What. Part. of all of this. IS IN MY HEAD. The sickest part of all of this was that I did it to you first. I met Alden, My perfect, innocent, sweet, perfect Alden and I HURT you. I texted him while you took me to dinner and attempted to connect. I thought about HIM and TALKED about HIM when you just wanted ME. And I sit here and I cry like you're the villain. But we fucking both were. Neither of us was willing to be the supporting role in each other's stories. We couldn't BOTH be the main characters, so we became the villain. You win though. You were willing to grow, to change, to heal. I don't know what the fuck I was. SO so angry at the world. Still am, nothings changed. You've made all this growth and I can't do anything. I can't get my own home, I don't have a job, I barely have a car. I haven't grown emotionally, I haven't started school, a side business, nothing. Completely ran into a wall. I've stopped moving. In a better place than last year but still completely miserable. NOWHERE closer to learning how to be happy. Desperately wishing I could just BE the person, the sad, dejected angsty ARTIST. Because that's cute in its own little way. They get away with it for the most part. But I don't create I completely fucking destroy everything I touch. And I'm still on my road to learning what this all means to me. My road looks different than yours and you put up giant walls so I can't even truthfully say what your road even looks like anymore. Running in completely different directions and all I wanted was to just be allowed to stay your friend. Nothing about this letter sounds like, "Yep you two sound meant to be.". So why the FUCK do I miss you? Why do I cry sometimes when I look at Darcy and think about how you didn't want to say goodbye to him? A cat. Why do I wish you were here? Talking to me about philosophy, and deeper meanings, and stretching your body so you can feel better, trying desperately not to fall asleep during the movie. Why do I wish, and, hope, and THINK about you day after day after day? You're not wishing or dreaming about me. You've moved on without me. I don't want to and I don't feel ready to say it, but I'm sorry. I AM sorry. I'm sorry I didn't forgive you for the beginning. Even though I know none of it was intentional, I never forgave you and I'm sorry. Sorry, I said I would and then brought it up every chance I got. Sorry, I didn't believe in you one more time, give you that one last chance you needed to prove me wrong. I'm sorry I didn't let you love me the way we both knew you could. Sorry I didn't let you breathe and live your life. Sorry I was so unhappy. You made me happy and I didn't let you see how loved you made me feel, how not alone you managed to make me feel. I'm sorry I never showed you love as I should have. I felt it and I never loved you as I could have. I'm sorry for Atlas. I'm sorry I excluded you from that pain and never let you feel it with me in the way YOU felt it. I'm sorry I tried to make you anything other than who you are. Because you were an amazing, loving person to me. I'm sorry. Also, I'm sorry if I ever get drunk and send this to you, Maddie right now does not intend for you to ever see this. Kind of. We'd both be lying if I wasn't NOW thinking about pretending to accidentally send it. Partially because I want you to hear me say I'm sorry because selfishly I want it to matter. I want it to make you feel better, make you feel lighter. Love yourself more. Surprisingly the part that hopes it makes any difference in the shit storm I've created between the two of us is smaller than that part. I somehow don't want you back and have somehow found someone. Just the most amazing person that makes ME want to be better. And I'm trying and getting better very fucking slowly and he's ok with that. But it breaks my heart and I miss my best friend more than anything. I miss being able to laugh and argue and talk. I'm so sorry I didn't listen when you said you missed it too. Because, all too late, I know exactly how you feel. I miss watching movies and just hanging out. I miss you like a big brother if that makes sense. I just miss your unfailing way to make it work. I'm sorry it took me until now to trust you. Have faith in you, believe in you.

I'm sorry I've only started to miss you now.

Always,

Maddie