On the edge

Im Seriously just about done with life. I have literally nothing to look forward too. I've wasted the last 10 years if my life, when I should've been having the time of my life. For some reason no matter what I do, I can't be happy. I can't enjoy anything. I feel like shit every second of every day. It's like the whole world is moving but I'm stuck. I see people getting married, getting in careers. In relationships. I just wonder how I ended up so alone. Hating myself. Unable to sleep at night just wondering why? Why am I this way? Why can't I feel good? Why don't I give myself more credit? I can't express how lonely and sad I am. I am literally the saddest man on earth. I never show it. I out on my ok face and face life. It's getting so hard to keep going. It has been this way for over a decade. I am so mentally tired. I just feel like nothing will ever change. I'll never change. I don't have the strength. If I could just lay here until I die. I just want to feel something again. A good feeling. Not this anger, hate, sadness, utter darkness I feel every waking moment. Sometimes I ask god just please help me, even though I don't even know what religion if any I believe in anymore. Have you ever been completely on your own for 10 years. God it hurts so bad. If I could trade a limb just to have a few good friends. I would do it in a heartbeat. Seriously. Nothing can ever match the pain I feel in my heart. The worst part is I have become so numb emotionally, I can't even cry. All I can do is scream in my head.