How did I get to this point.

I have so much anxiety thinking about going to work that i feel like I physically can’t go. The fear before going is horrible. Its not even a fear of something I can pinpoint. I just don’t want to go but know if I don’t we will continue to struggle and I end up feeling worse.

I am turning into my mother. I’m trying to change my attitude and I’m better than her for that. But its fucking hard and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m not sure I can handle it much longer.

I don’t want that pedestal I had growing up. The pressure is insane and broke me down piece by piece. I don’t want to go through that again.

My daughter already sees me as that. The one that holds this family together! How can I be this without holding myself together.

I dont even think I can explain it! All my thoughts just come at me and its like the thoughts are flying around in my head that I cant catch. The only way I can describe what’s happening in my head is they are flying around in blackness so erratic and fast it’s hard to follow one.

Every now and then I can hear snippets of one thought that seems to slow down ever so slightly but its for a word or a noise nothing else. And once I hear that one thought it becomes impossible to concentrate, the black thoughts seems to make it a punishment cause I’ve heard something regardless of what it is and makes them go faster and more erratic.

I am so overwhelmed I can’t breathe properly , I can’t get enough oxygen in my lungs to calm down so I panic, I’m shaking, I’m hitting my head to stop, I’m grabbing my head, I’m blocking my ears shaking cause the ringing just wont stop.

I’m scared. The last time this happened that I can remember is when I choose ice over death. It stopped my thoughts flying around and calmer. I’m scared of my head. I didn’t trust it before and I certainly don’t now….