What are you looking for?
7 months ago · · maybe depression,
hey, I really want to get this out.
but I have no one to talk to at this time.
I am 20 years old, and I have like 2 friends maybe 3.
I grew up living in a shell, since I was a kid I used to stay in my room, enjoying my TV, doing my homework, playing games and listening to music.
My parents tried to make me get to know other people, to make me leave my room, to go on weddings, to give me courage to be able to go onto the dance floor and dance with other kids who were having fun.
I just couldn't and I don't know why, I don't know why I was scared and ashamed.
then my brother got into an accident which led to him not being able to walk again, my parents became depressed and stressed, the medical treatment was in our country not possible so we traveled to an another country and we are living there right now.
You know, new country, new language, new traditions, new everything.
Due to the stress and depression, my parents didn't even care to make new friends in the new country, so I basically grew up with no people around me, only my family.
now I am 20, and I am feeling that I am craving for talking to people, I want to have friends I want to be heard I want to be seen, I want to be seen as this strong confident girl.
I am too scared, too scared to talk to people because I don't know how to, I tried and ended up misunderstanding some situations, because I've never been in situations like these as I was younger.
I feel that I am not likeable, that people laugh at me when they turn around, that they think I am stupid, I am so insecure about the way I talk, I am so insecure about my whole life, my whole appearence, I am insecure about everything.
I turn red when I see people that I know on the streets, sometimes I change my way because I know that I would meet certain people, and when I speak I just become so nervous and say stupid things.
I am so lonely.
I know what to do, I have to build up the courage I have to talk even though I would say wrong things, and that everybody makes mistakes.
I don't know why I can't do these things.
sometimes I think, that everybody has a reason to live, but I don't
then why am I here?