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In december on the day of one my exams(currently in high school) I overdosed. I was at the very bottom mentally, getting into arguments, thinking suicidal thoughts, and spending all my free time as well homework time on video games, playing late into the night just to cope.
I was transferred to a mental hospital, came up with coping skills and got my prescriptions made, switching from antidepressants to mood stabilizers because i'm probably bipolar.(have the genes to suggest it as well) The schools agreed to drop me from Pre-AP to On-level for my core classes not because of grades(I made good enough grades the first term to pass the semester) but because of how it affected my mental health.
As of now though, the medication works generally but it's still early on and there are some days/hours where it just stops working. Sometimes it feels random and sometimes there are triggers. I'm currently being treated for tech addiction as well and have no video games to cope, but a therapist hasn't been found for me yet either.
Coping mechanisms don't do much either, when the medication doesn't work my mood is too volatile to focus and commit to breathing deeply, meditating, etc. I kinda just shut down. I had one of these "shutdowns" the first day back and almost refused medication.
As I'm currently writing this, I'm having another shutdown, I'm struggling with some questions on a math assignment. I can go in for tutoring, however when I do need help, I usually need a lot of help. That's not so bad except one of my best coping mechanisms is playing various fighting genre video games in the morning(tutoring also occurs in the mornings), that also being the only time I see most of my friends due to the Pre-AP class drop. I normally am very poor at socializing and don't fit into the niches of On-level classes, my morning friends being the only niche I'm comfortable in.
I can see that i'm making a big deal out of something not so big, but restorative activities don't really work that well in small doses for me.(I need all the time I can get to restore) I've had suicidal thoughts during my "shutdowns" and am losing hope due to the lack of a working medication or therapist, can all I do is wait? I'm already bringing my concerns to my doctor.
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Hello ! :) I am so sorry to hear about everything you're going through... it sounds like a lot. I can relate to some of these things to a really personal level and it sounds like we have a lot in common. I am also in highschool and I understand the constant struggle of higher-level classes and tech addiction as well. I definitely think that getting a good therapist would help you greatly. Talking about your struggles instead of bottling them always helps. I wish I could offer you more advice, help and support... but unfortunately since I am struggling with almost the same situation, I don't know how to help. :( However, I am confident that we can both work through this and I am so glad you are alive... Even though you are a stranger on the internet, I hear you and relate to your story and I am so sorry you have had it so rough. You deserve nothing but the best in life and I really hope you get greeted with something like that soon. Although things are so tough, please try to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Think of something you are looking forward to in the future. My therapist taught me of this method called the "life worth living" method where you brainstorm things you want to have or do in the future. Things you can accomplish and be proud of. Things or even people that can make you happy... there is an endless number of possibilities you can write down on your list. And then when you're done thinking or writing about your "life worth living" you can take a look back it and realize something. To put it in a blunt way, you definitely cannot achieve any of those things if you are not alive. So, the main point is you have to stick through to achieve those things and believe me, you WILL. I believe in you, and I hope sometimes you can find it in yourself to believe in you too. You sound like an amazing person, and I wish you the best in life. Additionally, I figured I'd offer you something. Of course, you are not obligated to agree to this at all and I will understand it completely, but if you want me to, I'd be happy to give you, my socials. You said that you are bad at socializing and tend to not fit in and I am so sorry you feel that way. I want to give you this as an option to talking to people who are around the same age as you and going through similar things. Once again, of course it is fine if you don't feel comfortable with that, I just thought I'd offer in case you're interested. I can be a friend if you want me to be a friend or I can just be a listener if you ever need to rant. I want you to know I am here for you no matter what and I care about you lots. I really hope things end up working out for you whether you choose to keep touch with me or not. Reply to this comment if you'd like me to give you one or more of my usernames! I have Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and even Facebook although I don't use it all that much. Anyways, have an amazing life and I really hope you can accomplish your "life worth living". <3
ReplyThank you, I don't have any social media but your comment was what I needed. I can't possibly express my thanks enough and your comment alone was the light I needed until I can get a therapist and a working medication.
ReplyYay ! I am so happy to hear that :) Have an amazing day! Glad to hear back from you
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