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5 months ago · · Suicide Thought,
hopelessness and boredom evoking anxiety leading me into a spiral of suicidal thoughts.
I have issues. immense insecurities.
today i was repeatedly told i was a very selfish person.
what is wrong with me?
i google and google, trying to search for why am i like this?
i googled "how to stop being selfish in a relationship" and clicked the first site displayed.
"20 ways to stop being self centred in a relationship"
i am very selfish and i hadnt really noticed it.
today i had asked "you use to say i was described as selfless?"
he replied with "well that's changed now"
i don't know why, but instead of feeling motivated to self improve, i fall into deep hopelessness. really intense anxiety up to the point where its almost unbearable.
i usually type to my boyfriend about hope i feel when i get into times like these. he doesnt respond, or doesnt care. it feels like he thinks im overreacting and he dismisses me.
why am i always in pain? why is it my fault? why does he view me so lowly in general? why don't i feel loved? why does it feel like im losing him.
i was watching a youtube video about the "three requirements of a good relationship" : kindness, shared vulnerability and empathy and understanding. we are slowly letting these fundamentals crumble away. where is the kindness and respect when we talk? where is the shared vulnerability that is able to let me speak to you when i am feeling really down in the dumps? why am i not given empathy or any sympathy when i cry? you think i'm just overreacting or have a "oh no here she goes" type of feeling.
because i feel these things about you, does this also make me selfish?