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Surviving overwhelming grief
6 months ago · · Child abuse, · Explicit
So I promised myself as part of my healing program to start writing daily and here goes.
Despite the depression I know I'm suffering from, as feel sad almost every day, struggle to get out of bed and want to escape to the sweet release of sleep whenever I can. I'm tired of living like this.
Don't know how or where it came from, but I know it's a combination of many small factors on top of a large betrayal that has meant that I find it difficult to trust anyone with my feelings and feel that even the person closest to me has lost all patience with my depression and has become angry with life (and me).
I went through all the (shrink described) stages of grief and depression - Denial, anger, and finally crushing sadness. Now all I feel is I am TOTALLY alone, I find almost no pleasure in life and see nothing but the negative in everything. I have become a moral crusader who hates any form of injustice that I can spot (no matter how small) from miles away.
I am so tired of feeling like this, what makes it hardest is the person I love and want to make happy is unhappy and angry with life and the world as a result of me and what I have been through - My father was charged as a pedophile and when I was younger I witnessed him about to abuse two young children. At the time I told my partner and she fled (emotionally) from me and I don't think I've ever gotten over that completely. I carried that "shameful" secret around for years. Finally I sought professional help and confronted my father by phone and told him he needed professional help.
I so wanted to believe that he would get help and I didn't want to have to deal with this as had carried it around for so long, that I believed him he would get professional help.
I then followed up the conversation when I saw him again (as much as I didn't want to) and he told me what I wanted to hear that he was seeing someone and dealing with it. Whilst I knew it was a lie, it was easier to believe him than hold him accountable and it "wasn't my responsibility"...
We always had a shitty relationship, he cheated on my mother when I was a teenager and I lost all respect for him then, though managed to semi repair the relationship before I witnessed his abuse.
Where life came crashing down was when my brother and sister-in-law called me to tell me he had abused his grandchild repeatedly as she had told my brother when he was educating her on consent and being touched inappropriately and that no one other than a doctor with her parents present should ever touch her "there" (she was 5 years old at the time) and she told him that grandad does (and other things that I won't repeat).
I was devastated as so badly wanted to believe that my father had actually sought help and this was the final straw!
I have a very good and close relationship with my brother, his wife and niece who was abused. I told my brother everything I had witnessed when I was younger and apologized for not telling him as could've saved my niece from being abused. I know they forgive me and have no negative feelings toward me relating to the abuse, but I am the one who really struggled to forgive myself for being so weak and not making what I saw public.
My close friends know what I have been through (and the family) we love and support each other, but something is still broken inside me.
My father is dead to me, I have not spoken a single word to him (other than a letter I sent him after we found out about his abuse of my niece) and will no longer acknowledge him as a living person. He has shown no proper remorse, he was charged and given 2 years house arrest (at the agreement of my brother and his wife) though he has never apologized to them or the rest of the family for what he did nor admitted or confessed to any of his other victims as we suspect there are many many more.
I feel that I am trapped in a spiral of negativity and so badly want to move forwards with my life and make my partner happy again (by being happy myself - but it is so hard!)