Is it me, her, or us?

Well, I don't know what to make of my situation but I'm feeling angry at times, sad at times, and confused in others. My wife and I have been together for close to ten years and lately, I'm just not feeling it any more. I don't know if it's me being selfish and/or taking my life and all things in it for granted, I don't know if she's actually not doing enough to want me to stick around, or if we're having issues together that we need to work out.

When we first met, I found my wife very attractive. We were both very sexual at the time so had sex quite often. I think it's safe to say that we were having sex well more than the average couple. We did things together, had much to talk about, and enjoyed each others' company.

Flash forward to today. Almost all of this has changed and I find that nearly everything my wife does, or doesn't do, drives me crazy. I'm not sure if this is spelling the end for us.

For starters, I'm not as physically attracted to her as I was. She is one of the pickiest eaters I've ever known and, generally speaking, doesn't eat anything healthy. We also had a child. That, plus the unhealthy eating, plus the fact that we don't really exercise took a toll and she slowly, over time, put on a lot of weight. I was willing to live with that but, honestly, found her more attractive when she was thinner. To put things into perspective, though, my wife had a mom-bod and I was attracted to her at that time so I don't want any of you reading this to think I'm the kind of guy saying that his girl has to be skinny. But, seriously, she was really putting on the pounds. She had a self conscious issue because one of her breasts was slightly smaller than the other. It was there, yes, but it was so slight that I didn't actually notice myself until we had been together for many months and she pointed it out to me. Even then, I questioned it and had to inspect well to know she was correct. It wasn't a big deal to me at all but it drove her crazy. Years later, she begged me to allow her to have surgery to get the breasts to match in size. I really hated to spend so much money for something so minor but I could tell how much this meant to her so I agreed. Once there for her consultation, she decided that she wanted to have them not just made the same size, but lifted and made one cup larger than they currently were. She also wanted to have the size of her areolas reduced down. I wasn't going to bark about that but these changes did add to the expense. She comes home from the consult with a large smile on her face. She's really excited about her decisions so she's filling me in on what was discussed with the Dr. and then she tells me that they had a "special deal" where, if you have your breasts worked on, you can also get a tummy procedure for a discounted rate. She promised that if she could do that as well, she's start eating healthier and would start getting on her feet more often to help keep the weight at bay. I didn't assume that she would actually uphold her end of the bargain but I had nothing to loose but a few more thousands of dollars. Ugh. The surgery was two years ago. Her breasts were swollen, for months after the surgery, but slowly healed. At this time, her breasts look no bigger to me than they were before. The lift job didn't work so they drop down slightly like they did before. I'm not complaining about the size of her breasts or the fact that they drop down a bit as this is the way they were before and I loved them just fine. The complaint here is that we went through all this trouble and paid close to 10k for them to have not changed? Oh, wait, they did, actually....they now look worse. She has extremely visible scarring around her areola, there's a scar on each breast that goes from the areola to the underside of the breast, and she has a huge scar on the front side of her belly that runs from the left side of her left hip to the right side of her right hip. That cut was to be under the panty line, they said, so it wouldn't show while she was healing. It's actually above the panty line but that doesn't matter because the damn thing left a huge scar anyway. She also has a tattoo in the nether region and this cut slashed right through the top 3rd of the image. I don't, myself, have tattoos so don't know the rules but doubt you can actually tattoo over a big scar like that but this image is ruined and no change of it getting fixed or even covered up I suppose. And she managed to put the weight back on so that extra money was just thrown out the window and that belly scar and ruined tattoo are for nothing. Awesome! She was attractive before but, since the surgery, she looks like a mess and when the clothes come off, I'm just not turned on any more. So there's a part, I'm not physically attracted to her any more.

Well, what about when she's clothed? Am I attracted then. No, not really. I don't know what happened but she got into the mindset of "I don't care what I wear because I don't care what people think or say about me." That's a good rational to have, I think, to some degree but she really pushes the envelope. I still think there are certain types of outfits required for different types of events. We went to a baby shower recently for a family member and, when we showed up, everyone was dressed up but my wife. She was wearing shorts and an old t-shirt. It was ridiculous. No one there said anything to her or me about it directly but I'm sure people were taking notice and had something to say when we left. When we go to town for shopping and a nice meal, she just throws on some old junk. Why? WHy? WHY? She has nice clothes hanging in her closet but instead, we're tromping around these shopping centers and my wife has tossed her raggedy hair into a bun and tossed on some old clothes. It seems silly to me. Today is January 13th which means yesterday was the 12th. We had to run to town yesterday where we made stops at two stores and then went to a restaurant for dinner. She was wearing and old Christmas shirt. I, I, I just can't. It wasn't like this when we first got together. So no, I don't find myself attracted to her when she's clothed either.

Well, what about adult time? How well does that work if I'm not attracted to her? Actually, we don't do that much any more. She started, after having the baby, having extreme mood swings so started taking medication for that. The side effect is that she very rarely gets those desires. We were having sex much more than the typical couple and now we have it much less than the typical couple. And, when we do, it often isn't fun any more. Sometimes she's just doing it because she knows its been a long time but she doesn't probably really want to do it and it shows. Her lack of interest is such a turn off and I find myself conflicted. I want to finish because it's been a long time but I also feel strange about it all as if I'm doing something wrong. It's hard to reach the finish line like that. A big one for the last few years is that she claims to be in the mood during the day when we're both at work so she takes time to tell me about all of these nasty things she wants to do to me "tonight" but "tonight" never comes. Once the kid is down and the lights are out, she's magically no longer in the mood. I've been without for a long time, you teased me about this all day, and now it's time to do the deed and you're cancelling? How? Why? Why is this happening to me? Ok, but there are other ways to hang out, right?

Sure, we can. Last Friday, we found a sitter and decided we would go out for drinks which is something we've not done in a long time. When we get to the place, I'm trying with all my might to carry the conversation but she's not having it. We weren't previously fighting and nothing was wrong, she just wasn't feeling it, I guess. We sat on a circular couch but she was kind of faced away from me looking at the crowd. I was trying to get closer to her and it felt like she was trying to get farther away. I would share a lengthy story and she may not respond at all. Not even something like "Oh, wow, that's crazy" to acknowledge that she had even heard me. I tried asking questions that couldn't have vanilla "yes" or "no" answers but it didn't help. We had planned to stay for a long time but cut that trip really, really short. When we returned, it was later and she hopped in bed to play silly games on her phone. I find that when we hang out any more, and it's just the two of us, we rarely have much to discuss. I suppose we've been together so long now, we both know most everything there is to know about the other. So it seams hanging out, like having drinks and conversation, just isn't really a thing for us any more. Well, at least she can do her thing without me.

Well, it's funny because, over time, she's become addicted to these devices. I have a couple of TV shows that I like to watch and, when I eventually get to the end of the series, I pick up a new one. But, pick a show, pick any show at all and my wife is either watching it, has watched it, or has watched it multiple times. Yes, that's right, she has several series that she actually watched more than once. If you watched your absolute favorite again after some time, I could understand that but she's watched several of them multiple times over. If she's not watching TV, she's playing mind-numbing games on her mobile. Once she turns the game on, it's like everything around her gets tuned out and she looses track of time. She also likes to nap a lot now and go to bed early. Oh, the more I type the more I can feel that I'm getting frustrated. This isn't the woman I married.

Before, I found her attractive, we hung out often, we talked...a lot, and we had sex....a lot, went went to town for drinks or shopping and she always wore an appropriate outfit, and we enjoyed each others' company all the time. And now, it's like we don't even have much to discuss any more.

So there you have it - I'm not attracted to her when she clothed because of what she wears, I'm not attracted to her when she's not clothed because of the weight and those Resident Evil like scars on her belly and chest, we don't have sex often and when we do it's typically horrible, we don't have anything to talk about, we don't hang out and when we do it's like she's ignoring me, etc. I don't know, gang, I just don't see this lasting.

I tried to talk to her about SOME of these things a while back and she took it better than I had hoped as I was expecting her to get really upset or mad. I didn't mention the scars, the weight, or the half tattoo, but I did bring up the rest of that. Even after hearing my story about the clothes she wears, she said the people at the baby shower could "suck it" if they had a problem with what she was wearing because she wasn't there to impress any of them and she said, in the end, that she probably will not change the way she dresses when we go out because she just, generally speaking, isn't trying to impress anyone any more. Loss for me. She said she wasn't sure why she was so tired all of the time but wanted to look into vitamins to try helping there. I know this isn't going to help but at least she was trying to come up with a troubleshooting step. Once I point out the vitamins aren't helping, I hope she'll start getting off the devices and get moving more. I honestly think a little activity could do her some good to help with the tiredness. She said she didn't feel like she was ignoring me and would work on being more conversational, especially if/when we go out for a date night. And so, while we had this alone time and could be open and honest with each other, I asked her if she had any issues with me and she said no. She assured me that everything was great. She's still attracted to me but doesn't want to have sex because of the pills she's taking. She's still in love with me and I don't, apparently, do anything recurringly that drives her bonkers.

You know, I also should add to this that I'm pointing out the biggest issues I have here but there are certainly a few others that are much smaller in nature.

I understand that relationships evolve over time and I know that we're all getting a little older with each passing day. I'm just starting to get greys (not sure how I lasted this long) and I know I'll get wrinkles and week in due time. I know that her body will change over time as well. So what is it, then, that's going on with us?

Am I being selfish by getting upset about the clothes she wears or what she does in her free time? Should I be angry at myself for being ashamed of her naked body and the scars she now has? Should I just throw in the towel and admit that we have nothing to discuss any more and leave her be? We'd be roaming around here like bad roommates or something.

If you have an issue, I think you should certainly try to work things about but I have sooooo many issues that I'm just not sure what to do. I'm actually wondering if I should just walk away from all of this and live alone for a while. I'm starting to think that living alone would be better than living under the roof with my wife while feeling alone. The latter hurts, and it hurts a lot.

If any of you have worked through issues like these, I'd love to hear your story. What did you and your partner do? How did those actions change your lives? Was it for the better or did it make things worse?

Hoping for better days.....