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I've been thinking about how all my good intentions just, did not quite pan out as I'd hoped they would. I still am hoping that I can be "good" in some way. There is a musical piece I selected for the marriage between my husband I: You Put the Light in Me. I had always hoped to revere my husband as a person would revere God, and, emotionally, my husband was a Savior to me in the sense that he healed all my hurts emotionally, and, was very Christ like to me.
I haven't managed what I had hoped, in a sense. I had always hoped to sort of worship my husband, to be..."a reflection" of him, in a way, and to be one of those "great wives". I had thought, easily, all my validation and all my worth would be in his assessment of me, and, I would, by all my efforts put together, be a great, loving, grateful, and thankful wife. I had hoped so much I could effect this end. I do not think I was disingenuous in promising such things. I meant the vows I made.
I love my husband very much, and, it is difficult. Some small aspects are difficult. I see I am just very crappy at keeping commitments to the fullness I ought to. I am not selfless enough, I think, to effectively keep the commitments as I ought, in their fullness.
Things are compounded by the fact that...to a large extent, he never actually wanted an "imbalanced" relationship where he would be "the head" and we've talked about this before, but, he has very much stated he wants an equal partnership. This sort of makes certain gestures fall flat in insignificance. If a person doesn't want to be worshiped, then, it makes certain sentiments superfluous.
Anyway, I am far too broken to consider such pie in the sky ideals at the moment.
My worship isn't worth very much at the moment.
I still think though, perhaps I can remember what a good and excellent wife is, and re-establish an identity in that. It has been hard with the conflicting moral problems. It has been hard in a way...ideally, I always thought it would be...my entire being, my entire life purpose, my entire emotional investment and thought, my entire validation, every aspiration of mine would be very clearly "in his service" and, there would be no potential conflict. It would be very easy in that, whatever he said would be, "good as gold" so to speak. Whatever he would say, or want, I would assiduously cater to meet that need.
Things became difficult with certain choices. The video gaming. There was a conflict when I read the Bible and trying to reconcile it with his preference for the violent games, with the sorcery. While I know the ideal and perfect-for-marriage response would be for a wife never to correct her husband, to support him every decision, unquestioningly, to wait upon him, and submit to him, and never fight or argue with him over anything, this proved to be an unhappy hard stop. I read that these things were immoral and I was left with the unhappy situation of having to try to "correct" my husband, which, is completely antithetical to everything I ever wanted.
And this awful veganism. Reading about God's mercy and how His holy mountain entails beings not hurting or harming, reading that animal sacrifices are the "sacrifices of fools", reading about how the original plan was eating herbs and fruits of the Earth, and seeing the barbarity of the animal industry...it has left me confused. If my husband *wanted* and insisted on these things, then, shouldn't I have catered to this desire? How "romantic" it is to do whatever one's husband wants. And the entire problem about reading the Bible to the children, and the insane arguments that happened over that.
It has been very hard. I would like to somehow go back to worshipping my husband. Life was so much simpler, and clearer with this objective. There is a real person whose "yay" or "nay" establishes your worth or lack thereof, and they are immediately accessible, and love you, and your entire life just fits nicely in their service. If everything they say and do is agreeable and to be agreed with, it results in perfect harmony.
It's been hard these "hard stops". It's been hard dealing with issues of conscience and choices of entertainment and fears of doing ungodly things in the sight of God, and, the ideal of trusting my husband and submitting to him entirely (which would be such liberating bliss!)
I often think of these things. Should I just screw over the chickens? Should I just say...they are weaker things, and God permits the eating of them for now; it feels wrong, but just do it for the better family dynamics? Do it for the sake of social integration, and being a good wife who well represents her husband sanely in society? I am thankful at least the video games are mostly overcome.
I wish...I wish I could be the feminine ideal. I wish I could be thin, and submissive, and happy and kind. The sort of mother who is never angry, or snaps in any fashion, and the sort of wife who just devotes her entire life to serving her husband and never robs him for charity or anything. Again, my fear that we were ignoring the poor and failing to take care of the least of these over-rode my desire to be a good wife.
I am left shattered in pieces in a way. I wish I could scramble back to some "known" way of being. Some acceptable means by which I could be fully validated and derive some form of identity from a submitted life to my husband...and the fullness that brings...but, somehow...not offensive to God or to the concept of mercy.
I struggle in similar, but worse manners, with my extended family.
How I would have loved to be a person who was so personable and kind, and so inoffensive that everybody just naturally loved them. Such a kind, quiet, soft spoken, hard working, needing-so-little sort of woman that any man would be happy to have her, and she would enter into conflicts and arguments with absolutely zero people. She would be full of gratitude, and thankfulness and never any sort of arguments with anyone. She would have no independent actions whatsoever but would wholeheartedly serve her family, and her husband would sanction her giving things to the poor, and she would never be causing offense with that.
A truly good woman.
One of those waif like, peaceful, quiet, adoring ones. Capable of having and raising many children. At peace with herself. A tender mother. Never needing to bark anyone into doing anything. Never having to push anyone into doing anything against their will. Almost ornamental, but, not quite.
She would assiduously be working to prepare the food and clean the house, and create comfortable shared experiences for her and her husband. And she would take care of all the onerous tasks he would rather not do.
Who knows, maybe she would even be a working woman.
Just a beautiful, kind, extremely grateful and thankful woman. One who would endlessly dote on her husband, thinking only of his positive attributes, and be his greatest admirer. His greatest encourager and support when he is weak.
I have completely failed *even as* I recognize these to be the highest, and most desirable ideals in a woman.
I try to tell myself I will be a better wife tomorrow. A better mother. I want to believe that I am capable of being something for the Lord, but, the last 5 years have crushed me. I cannot seem to get back to stable enough to be good to others. Rather, I am like a drowning person continually.
I listened to the song and it helped me remember how much I wanted to worship my husband at one point. My entire identity was in it. For loving me, I was going to reward him his entire life with abject adoration.
I'm not sure why I can't just naturally reinstate these feelings. I cannot even seem to adequately go through the requisite motions. I am quite disgusted with myself, as I have been for the past 5 years, ever since the psychotic depression set in. It is hard to be anything in a state of constant self disgust.
I know I must overcome it. However awful I am, I have a duty really to be something to those who have invested in me.
Even an awful person can attempt to do some things right.
It is strange because my husband does not seem to want to hear soft things from me, even if I were able to be encouraging as I should be.
He just tirelessly works for all of us.
I have added very little now for years.
But, perhaps I will rise and be a better servant to him and our children. And the dog.
Perhaps I will manage to rise up and actually be a good servant.
After all who else does the Lord want me to serve - isn't that the purpose of a woman first most? I'm not quite sure. I have tried to give to the poor, thinking this would please the Lord, but perhaps I simply rob my husband. It is hard to know.
I wish I could meet expectations. I wish I could be the beautiful admiring wife and great servant I imagine to be in my head.
I wish I could improve. And have a good and wholesome attitude.
I wish I could overcome this mental illness and be whatever is desired and desirable.
I have no real independence, nor desire nor concept of it. But even dependent, and even not wanting to volitionally be a failed woman, does not translate into success at being the ideal woman. It just translates into: I see what I ought rather to be, but, in pain, perceive how I am not that at all. I do not have the joys of those women who have their identity derived in something else.
I have no identity outside of ...if it were even still possible...pleasing the Lord, pleasing my husband, pleasing the children, serving others. I recognize this as the right ideal. I see only failures but...I know that...this is what I ought rather be.
I do not feel proud that I have missed the mark completely.
I am thankful they all tolerate me.
I hope I will be forgiven at some point, by them all, and by the Lord.
I hope one day I will feel that optimistic joy that I felt on our wedding day thinking "I am going to be the best wife ever! Nobody's husband will ever be so happy I will do the best I can."
I wish I could ressurect that old me, somehow.
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