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how i got drug addicted at 16
4 months ago · · Drug addiction, · Explicit
Hello, i dont really know what i’m doing right now but i have nobody to tell stories to and i want to get all of this bullshit off my chest. (Even though it is pretty fucking weird to do this online, kind of like i’m seeking attention. But thats also kinda true so, who cares.)
I started to have a drink here and there from the age of 12 and ongoing. My friends and I would meet up in a big football field and set up a blanket, listen to music and drink vodka with juice. It wasnt anything big, and pretty usual for the thirteen year olds to drink in my village - but i was sure i would only ever drink or smoke a cig here and there. Addiction was for the weak and in my mind i was always better than that. But since life wasnt supposed to be easy for me, i developed serious mental issues that worsened from time to time. So unlike my friends, i didnt see a limit in alcohol. I didnt really care how much i drank and how often. I stole cigarettes from my stepdad and climbed out of the window at night to smoke them and cry my eyes out for all the pressure and stress that drowned me in the daytime. At that time I was still 13, and there wouldnt be a way for me to access to drugs, but when i was 14 i met a friend. His name is Adam. We’ve been friends in kindergarten and met at the bus stop. He was stupid rich and lived in a bigass mansion, and i got to hand around with him from time to time. It wasnt a secret that he wouldnt survive a day without weed. He could build a blunt in no time and he was ALWAYS chill about things. For me, an anxious shy girl that wanted to be relaxed sometime, i found my safe place in adams living room. Smoking weed almost every day after school and even buying it from him. But my mental issues started to get really bad and at some point, i didnt draw a line between drugs. It was like i crossed a line. But besides Adam, i didnt have anyone that actually did hard drugs, so i was scared. I started with ecstasy tho. I would ask Adam if he could get me some and he only requested a small amount of money for it. And it was heavenly for me. Sniffing it or just throwing the pill in, for four hours of my life i felt happy. Genuinely without a worry in my mind: just happiness. I felt so easy, like I could to ANYTHING. And that was so dangerous and I wish I got a hold of myself back then. But my mind just said, when i die then i wanna die happy and I dont want to live a boring life. At some point the four hours a week were not enough for me. I started to get away from my friends and family. Doing a line in the morning of a test or before i went for a walk. I took LSD on the weekends and if Adam said they have something new, i was the first to try it out. But the times I was forced to be sober started to be hell. My depression was starting to get worse and my will to live got as bad as my skin after month of drug abuse. The next flame for me was speed or pep. I had a free sample under my bed, and in the morning of the most important exam of the year i risked it all and did a line of speed. and it worked. I sorted my thoughts so easily and passed with no issue. In PE class i wasnt scared and panick-y, i was jumpy and nervous. I didnt see any others. But i wasnt sober. Never. I was only sixteen yearsold when i had my. first accidental overdose. My family was shocked. Nobody knew, people barely saw me at home. I went into recovery and tried to actually stay clean, but shortly after I was four months clean and i could leave the recovery clinic, my dog died. It meant a lot to me. My mind turned completely and i totally blasted myself. For a week i would do anything to shut of my emotions and just be happy. After that week, realization hit me and i went clean for another two months. And now i’m here. Yesterday i did a molly line and today i’m thinking about my life, and if it still makes sense to go on. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I disappoint everyone and I let everyone worry. And even after harz recovery and everybodys love and hope i still dont care. I hate the fact that i still dont care about what gets into my body. if its dangerous. if i disappoint others. I dont know if life makes sense and I dont know if I will surive 2022. Happy new year tho.