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It feels almost as though everything good in my life, I ruin. I don't understand how I am supposed to be happy when the world is ending and when horrible things happen to people every single second. Everything that seems like it's going to be a good thing is a trick. It's all a trick. And there's no way it's going to get any better.
The days just drag on, and for what? I'm supposed to waste my 20s away to this pandemic and preparing for the future. How long do I prepare for the future until there's no future left? If I live in the moment and act on urges for instant gratification, I would have no money no education. What is the balance? Is seeking a balance even worth it or possible?
All I can do, is do my best at making other people's lives better. Because they actually have a chance. It feels as though I'll be unhappy no matter what I do. But how could I possibly want to be happy when there is so much insufferable pain around the entire world. Seeing death and decay on the TV. Racism and misogyny on TikTok. Houselessness right outside the door. Illness ravaging humankind and clogging hospitals. The natural environment destroyed left right and center. Who am I to deserve any kind of joy.
And trust me I'm sick of my own pity party too. I just don't know how to get out of it. Or if I want to.
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