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This relationship has been going on for the past 6 years and for the past 2 years during the covid season, things started to change.
I have been enduring with some things which are not to my liking. I've told him to maybe try to compensate me and change some behaviors and things. I've told him things which I dislike and hoped that he would perhaps switch to try so that the relationship works.
He is a good guy. He is kind, patient, not picky and etc. He helps me with things most of the time and doesn't complain at all.
We haven't been acting like a normal couple for almost a year now. I wouldn't let him touch me at all because I didn't feel like it. No hugs, kisses or intimates. He has scalp problems and would have strong flakes. I caught him multiple times scratching his head and he would secretly eat the flakes off his nails. He saw me eyeing him and immediately he turned away. Just with him eating it, just really turned me off in many ways. He doesn't brush his teeth too, maybe can go off without doing it for a few days or so.
He is very messy and dirty, some times doesn't even shower and smells sour from the sweat. He is also very overweight, eats at midnight 30mins before his bed time, drinks a lot of sugary drinks, heavy snacks and etc. Very unhealthy lifestyle. He likes to put things off and get it done super late instead of finishing them off quick.
As for sex life, he had never got to satisfy me once. Way before I would always like to seduce him by wearing sexy lingerie and etc, he would tell me things like "no not now!" Because he is very obese, we could only have limited sex positions and he would be done within 5mins(obese men tend to finish really fast). Once done, he would just move on and does his own things. He's tried to pleasure me a few times but it felt more like a task rather than romance.
I've talked to him about all of my thoughts above. I've told him that I felt disgusted by him eating his scalp flakes(yellowish white color), I told him to lose weight and eat healthy together, told him to stop eating before he sleeps because it's very bad(he didn't want to listen and continued his routine), I've told him about the sex part and he said that there's nothing much he can do about it.
I never control what he does and he has the freedom to do whatever. As time goes by, I just feel like I can only be friends with him, I don't hate him, I do like him but as a friend. I've told him how I felt as he realized that I was acting cold feet towards him. I felt sad that I have to let go a 6 year plus long relationship 😪 but at the same time, I just don't love him anymore eventho he's provided most things for me.
Love is a chemistry and attraction. I'm not attracted to him anymore, and of course you need to be attracted to your partner and that's how that chemistry's created. He did nothing wrong, it's just that I don't feel it anymore and, and I just don't know what to do right now... we both cried when I talked about this topic and he just doesn't want to let go.
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You know, I'm honestly dealing with something similar with my wife at the moment. We've been together for many years and, while things were great in the beginning, we've just changed over time and I've found that I'm not happy any more.
I made a list of things she does, or doesn't do, that bothers me and, from those, I put a mark by the ones she can control. We had a one-on-one visit the other day and I explained my issues. In this meeting, I only discussed the items that she can control (there weren't many of the others - only like 2 items) and asked if she would be willing to work on those for me. I feel a relationship takes work and she should be willing to step up to the plate to change these.
One example of the items was her clothing. She has a closet full of nice clothes but she kept wearing the same outfits over and over and they were old and not appropriate for many of our outings. She explained to me that she didn't dress up any more, for days when we go shopping and will be in town for example, because she's not trying to impress anyone. She has me, she says, so slowly, she guesses, over time, stopped caring about what she wears. I explained to her that she doesn't need to dress appropriately to impress the other people, but it would be nice if she would wear nice clothes for my benefit. Surely I'm worth that, right? Plus, she already has the clothes - she just stopped wearing them is all. She understood my issue and agreed to start putting on nicer clothes when we go out. It was embarrassing being out with friends and she be the only one in something silly while the rest of us were dressed the part.
These are things she used to do she just, over time, evolved into this new person with these new habits and/or ways of living. She's agreed to work on them and I'm excited about it. This is all new as of last week so still too early to tell what will come of this but I'm feeling good about it so far. I go out of my way to commend her for her new efforts.
It seems, though, you've already had a talk like this with the person you're involved with but he doesn't, for some reason, show any interest in making these changes for you.
I think, if you start a relationship, it can be unfair for one to demand that their partner to change so many things, especially if the person was like this when the two first met. But the story your describing just makes sense and I think it's easy to justify why you're asking for these changes to be made.
If MAN says WOMAN has to change ten things about herself but she's always been this way, I think MAN is being unreasonable. If MAN and WOMAN has been together for a while and MAN asks WOMAN, or vice versa, to correct some things, I think that's very reasonable indeed and, if WOMAN isn't willing to make those changes, I think it is she who is being unreasonable.
As I said before, you can easily justify your reasoning for asking him to make these changes. The fact that he is unwilling to comply, or at least compromise, would be off-putting to me and, as nice as he is, I just can't imagine that I would invest any more time in that relationship. For me, personally, I would explain that you appreciate him as a person and wish to remain friends but you can't possibly have an actual relationship as you two are to different in too many ways and he's unable or unwilling to make the necessary changes.
Ending a relationship is never fun but, it is temporary. One day, and it may not happen any time soon, you could be with a new guy who "checks all the boxes" and you'll be happy and move on from all of this.
No matter what happens, know that people are out here thinking about you and I am wishing you the very best!
Good Luck!
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