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I know you will never see this, and even if you do you won't know it's me (hopefully). Here's the thing. I know that you know I like you. No actually, I love you. and I have for months now. I know it seems stupid and cheesy to say, especially since we're still two kids in school, but It's true. I don't think I'm mad at you for not liking me back. I'm more mad at myself for telling someone who I knew would spread it around, and for the fact that I thought you might actually like me. I overthought every little thing. Every word you spoke, every thing you did, every time you looked at me. I looked at you constantly and everything you did lead me to believe you liked me back. Maybe if I never told that kid and you didn't know that I liked you it wouldn't be awkward between us and you would still talk to me. I got so mad when I was told that you didn't like me back. It wasn't even from you. It was a message passed on from multiple different people. Instead of telling me you didn't talk to me. Not one word. I get that it must've been stressful, but you knew for so long and you chose just now to stop talking to me because of it. I guess in the end I am actually mad at you, even though I know I shouldn't be. It's still mostly my fault though. It's my fault you got in trouble for something that wasn't even your fault. It's my fault the school found out. It's my fault you found out. It's my fault your mom found out. It's my fault our friendship is breaking apart, if it's not completely broken already. Ever since I found out you didn't like me because we're both girls I've been telling myself everyday that I should be a boy. If I were a boy you might like me. If I were a boy the toxic kids at our private Christian school wouldn't think I was weird for liking girls. If I were a boy I wouldn't be dress coded for wearing something even remotely "revealing". If I were a boy my dad would've thought I was strong. If I were a boy I would've been able to help my mom when she was sick. If I were a boy I would at least have people telling me not to cry over this instead of asking me why I'm crying. You know why I'm crying, so don't make me tell you. Now I'm just getting really sidetracked. God, I do this all the time. I'm sorry.
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