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All i can look at is my grades and feel me lose my posture, my math grades, are always low, no matter how much i study, i don't understand, its not new and my parents know this sadly, the pressure "will i fail?" "will i repeat a grade?" and all i can do is cry, that's all. Friend issues also ties in, feeling left out feeling alone, as they talk to their other friends leaving you behind, as your left out once again. Left out of a friend with 7-8 years, feeling as if you can be replaced at any time, such kind friends, and then their is me, i feel them stare at me, its as if your being shun or nonexistent? then they're is your trio friendship, you know they talk a lot more than with you, they do everything together, but not once mention your name, oh but im the bold brave one, thats my title. But they never see past that do they? i always include the both of them, and ask about them, only leaving positive notes and messages on them, But not once do they ask about me, not once do they message me when im gone for too long hm. Family issues, bothering you here and there, when will it end? if i leave? or if i just never existed, your older sister, fighting with you, saying slurs words, that i dont dare say at all to anyone, she gets me angry, and she pushes me, but then its as if it never happened the next day, oh such a happy ending, im fine with both of my parents, and siblings now, but i cannot forget what they did to me, my older siblings, bullied me at such a young age, and judged everything i did, and all they do in arguments is bring up the past. And im scared of becoming just like them, angry, rude, and insensitive, they know, but that time they act like they dont. "you shouldn't say that it'll hurt her feelings" "oh? but i got my feelings hurt by mom all the time and i didn't cry?" she always compares COMPARES why can't she understand? we are not all the same? "why do you eat such strange combo of food" "oh what's that on your head?" and they all laugh at you, just by typing what they said i see tears. Its not fair, i dont want to become like them, i want to help people i know they aren't bad people but why do they make me cry so much? why? we are siblings? why. So many things, and whenever i deal with one it takes half my mind and then i lose focus, and look detached, i appear uninterested, to others around me, i dont want my friends to worry of me, all i seek is closure. Is it because im lonely? my friend from 7-8 years, has many friends now, she is getting noticed, im happy for her, but i feel alone, my other trio friends, dont even talk to me, it feels as if they do it for guilt. My family, is bittersweet, they could be nice to you, but then bite you in the ass, with hurtful words, not my parents but my siblings actually! and im so young, I've gotten betrayed, used of, and then they had the audacity to come back and still remain friends? after they ghosted me for 2 years, all i asked if they were okay. How many times do i have to explain myself, whenever i do i burst all out, i have school tomorrow and i keep acting detached or uninterested to my friend, she will be like "you better not be in that mood again" but i feel like that because i feel alone, its a hard feeling to explain, it doesn't go away, until i feel guilty about it, i just snap out of it, and i feel nice again. Everythings been going great, uhm.. expect my math grades, and me trying to better myself for my friend, after all i shouldn't feel sad when she talks to somebody else right?
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