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I wish my mother would die
4 months ago · · suicidal, · Explicit
...So I can start being free. These days, the thought of her dropping dead sooner entered my mind a lot of times. It excites me to the extent that it makes me tear up with tantalizing glee. I just keep resenting her more and more.
You know what's typical of Asian parents. Yeah, she's the type of person that thinks the only worth it jobs or courses to pursue in this life is to be a doctor or a lawyer. She thinks those are worth it in a sense that when you become one, you become set for life. Money, Prestige, Power. Bullshit like that. I tried to voice out my thoughts to her many times, even cried in front of her, but my pleas always fall on deaf ears. Doesn't help that she's a lawyer too.
Every time she denies me the opportunity to live my life the way I want, it makes me want to kill myself. Like, why was I even born when I didn't ask for this shit and now I have to deal with all this shit? Just so someone would take care of her in her old age and for her not to be lonely in her old age? And no, I don't want to be treated as a puppy. I don't want to be a bullshit playmate or company to an emotionally stunted, insensitive older sibling. Fuck that shit.
I really wish she drops dead soon. I almost want to pray, but I know prayers like that won't be answered. Who do I pray to? What kind of price do I have to pay? Am I brave enough to risk that price?
I know, most parents just want the best for their kids. But those parents seem to overlook factors like if it fits their children's skills, aptitude, or personality. You can't just push us onto those roles like you can push a cookie cutter or mold onto a ball of dough. I've lost count of the many times I was told expressly or impliedly that the things I'm good at are only good for being a hobby, that they're worthless since they make no money. Each time I'm told that, I die inside. And there are not enough words that can describe the pain of having those "worthless" dreams get mocked.
So what if they don't make money? Why can't I pursue things that do make money with my skills or hobbies then? Why can't I be a literary editor? Why can't I be a journalist? Why can't I be a musician, fuck it. Why couldn't I be a marine biologist, paleontologist, archeologist? Why? Everything I suggest, I get shut down.
I used to believe that as long as you're good in what you do or you love what you do, you'll be able to do anything and reach your dreams. Even now, I refuse to give in that I'm naive for having those beliefs. Yet when I try to rebel, when I try to find a job without my mother knowing, something that could give me a separate source of funds to actually get started on anything, I find myself not actually knowing how or even where to get started. I feel so helpless. When I do find something, I'm always torn between putting the education that I didn't want pushed onto me first or to actually pursue that job. I find that I don't meet the qualifications, or skills, I don't have the experience and so on.
Every time I see an opportunity to actually learn a skill, I have to choose between learning that skill or attending my classes first. I feel so guilty to even attempt to spend money for these online courses secretly that I've let so many chances pass me by. I don't have my own money. Sooner or later she will know where I've wasted them, if ever. And I still feel responsible for my college classes, the tuition fee is expensive yet I can no longer bring myself to continue to lie to please her.
I've already wasted 4 years of an undergrad degree that I didn't even want. I almost wasn't able to graduate since I am so averse to a medical environment, the pressure, the stress. Yet she wasn't even proud of me, expecting a latin honor out of me when all those years I just pushed myself to study that degree even though I know I didn't like it. Everything I did, I just wanted to make her proud. Yet I will always never be enough. I get 80s, why didn't you score higher? I lose my place in the dean's list? Why? Why? I make it back? Why barely?
I've had enough. God, I hope she drops dead soon.
I want to be free. I want to live my life. Yet I don't even have the slightest idea where to start?
Careful what to wish for? Fuck. How is it any different when it means just wanting her around to keep dishing out money?
Fuck. I don't even need to be overly rich. I don't need a grand life. I just want to maintain the things I have now as a middle class person. I don't care if I can't afford hotels or airplane rides. Fuck those shit. I only need to keep the roof over my head, meals three times a day, funds for clothes and "hobbies", and taxes. My hobbies aren't even that expensive. Drawing, writing stories, maybe music on the side? Games, I've always been f2p.
Fuck. Please, just once in my life, can't I please put my self first? I'm tired of doing things to please other people. Fuck them.
Please just drop dead. soon. please. I hope she dies in her sleep. Or why can't I just die? Why don't I just die in my sleep? Why aren't there any convenient painless ways to die? I no longer pray, I no longer say thank you every meal, I resent the guy up there for putting me in this world too. Fuck it. Why does everything have to be so vague?
You put me here for something, Why can't you just tell me to my face so I don't waste my time dawdling around feeling useless and shit. fuck my life fuck everyone fuck everything in this shitty world