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when you hear the word campfire?
There I was sitting alone in a cabin I had rented for the weekend. It was supposed to be a weekend with friends to celebrate my birthday but thanks to Covid, I spent it mostly alone. I was sad. That the weekend hadn't turned out like I had hoped. I was sad because someone I have come to consider one of my best friends was basically acting like he didn't care about me, almost as if I don't exist anymore.
And then I see that the company that owned the cabin I rented left an activity booklet on the table. There was a list of "getting to know you" questions. I read, "What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word campfire?"
And the image pops into my brain where it lives, probably forever. A memory of a summer camp for kids with disabilities that I used to volunteer at. The friend that was ignoring me plays a big part in that image. I was sitting on a log next to an older woman whom I adored, just enjoying each other's company and listening to a guy sing and play the guitar. The wind from over Lake Huron occasionally moving my hair, the stars, the trees swaying. I was feeling sad then too. Because my friend and I had kind of been fighting and I hated it. And as I was sitting there, feeling alone, he came up behind me and just rested his head on mine. Just for a minute. He didn't say anything and I didn't either. I knew it was him. And in that moment, I knew we were OK. I felt immediate peace. Just two souls who understood each other.
I don't think he will ever know what that memory does to my insides. Even now, years and years later. Such a small thing. And right now, when everything feels so incredibly wrong, that is all I want. A gesture. A hug. A "Hey, we're ok" moment. I know I could reach out to him. I could. I have in the past when things have been dicey or weird. But this time feels different. It feels like he wants to let me go. And who am I to tell him what to do? I keep fighting to show him that I'm worth his time or effort and lately he keeps treating me as if I'm not. And I shouldn't have to prove myself to someone who cares about me.
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