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It's a long story .You don't even have to read if you don't want to . I'm just here to spill my guts out if possible cause i have been keeping these in for too long . I am 24 years old living in a quite conservative society. also a religious one but i wouldn't call my self that religious. i try to follow my faith as much as i can but in some parts i cant. i have been dating a guy for the past 3 and a half years. In the beginning it was all romantic like it is with all relationships i guess. he made me the queen of his world . but he did become a bit clingy and possessive which was a small red flag but turned out it was just phase 1 . when i made him understand how weird and uncomfortable it is for me he gave me space and changed his attitude accordingly. but now that i looked back i would prefer my clingy boyfriend more than anything right now compared to what he has become now . we have had our ups and lots of downs. i became pregnant and wasn't ready for it so we decided to abort. I'm not here for your judgement so please keep them to yourselves cause you have no idea what i had to go through to make that decision. it was not fully based on our wishes that's all that i have to say. It was hard for me to move on from that but life doesnt really give you a chance to stop and think. by then we were in quite bad terms anad wanted to end things but because of this littel incident we kind of greew closer to each other which was kind of nice. but then again if something is bound to happen it will happen. the fights became more aggressive verbally. he started saying the most demeaning and belittling things you can say to your girlfreind that you claim to love so much. and no he isnt the type who will go to the end of the world for you . he ahs his own logics. but thats fine. we both said things to each other we shouldnt have but he bought this nasty side out of me which i felt bad about but he didnt. he didnt apologize for anything. he made me think i was wrong all the time. why did i put up with it for 3 years you ask? cause i;m dumb and stupid and needy for love and attention. but turns out i wasnt even getting any love and attention towards the end of the relationship. so why was i still locking myself up in that toxic mentally abusive relationship? i have no freaking idea! so anyways then on feb 1st of 2022 which was just yesterday btw i decided to break up . he decided that we should breakup way many more times then i have cause i always have the midset to make things work. i dont giveup that easily just when things are a bit rough. cause i think to myself that one day i'll be married to someone and i cant just give up then just because we hit a rough patch. with relationships its easier to break it off but a marriage isnt that easy to break off. thats why i kept on trying and trying ti hold on to my realtionship with this person i loved and cared about so much so deeply no matter what he has said to me . no matter how much his words keep ringing in my ears and tears drop every single time . but then i thought this person is so not worth it anymore. he doesnt know shit he has put me through . he doesnt know how traumatized i am because of the things he said to me. he is not the life partner i want at all. i kept on hearing and reading this one line that love is not enough. but from childhood i grew up believing that it was. stupid i now know. but my question is why not? the only reason i believed that love is enough is because with love other things are just simply should follow. care trust respect understanding etc etc. anyways now i know why. i'm usually a girl who gets everything out of her chest by talking to her friends and staying connected. i feel light when i share with my friends and family. but today i dont feel like saying anything. it feels like i have been trained for this breakup for so long in my mind that i dont need any sort of emotional support at all. when i look at our old pictures i cant help but remember how loving and caring he was at one time. i start missing his hand on my shoulder when we used to walk together. i start to miss how he used to hold my hand before crossing the road. i miss how we used to go to sleep while staying on call. i dont remember the last time we had a conversation that was longer than 10 min. we used to talk for hours till one of us fell asleep. the late night calls used to hit just a different spot. adn slowly he stopped asking me how my day was or how i am or how anything was going in my life. i was talking to a friend one day and i realized i was telling her everything i wanted to say to him instead. but he wasnt there to listen to me . cause i knew he didnt listen to me when i talked or gave any response to anything i said. i was so unimportant to him at this point that my existence in his life solely meant he could call someone his girlfriend. and nothing else mattered . i couldnt even have an emotional breakdown during my time of the month because he wouldnt understand and we would end up having a fight. i am quite a bit of a romantic . i like romantic gestures from my boyfriend. not always of course but at least he could make an effort . i dont remember the last time he even called me beautiful or texted me soemthing surprisingly or said something out of the blue or i could catch him staring at me or kiss me in the middle of a conversation. yeah i guess these only happen in movies. i am so stupid lol. no this is not my first relationship. i had one before . that was more traumatizing cause it was my first love. anyways i think i said everything i wanted to . to those of you who came this far without judging the crap out of me , thank you . <3
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Relationships are defo not like in the movies. I think hollywood has a lot to answer for as it promotes obsession, not love. The right relationship will still has lots of ups and downs, but it will be comfortable and a proper partnership.
You are only 24, there's no rush for marriage. Its obvious this guy is toxic and having a child with him would not have been a good choice. You are human and have tried really hard. Concentrate on moving on, because you deserve better. Look after yourself and start sharing your feelings with your friends again xxx
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