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I am a person, I have a personality.
Today I feel like I am chaotic, I am a failure, I feel like doing nothing, feel like I have no goals, no actual dream, no will to be happy, no will to live, but no will to die.
I live in my head, constantly dream about a future, where I have money, sometimes the future is happy, sometimes it is sad.
I constantly feel like I am lesser than others, in every aspect whether it be emotional strength, IQ, empathy, confidence, art, looks, discipline, everything.
every decision I take is usually a disaster, every word I say is wrong and hurtful, every opinion I have is bad, everything I try to do, I fail at it.
am I even a person, do I even have a personality?
I keep dreaming about how something in the future will suddenly happen and make me better, how I will become a star one day, but nothing ever makes me happier.
I lie to people about my past, I make it sound worse than it was. I take wrong decisions and then blame people around me for it.
I ruin every relationship, by making it about me.
all I want from people is validation, I want them to tell me I am special, I am gifted, I am pretty that is the only thing that interests me.
I lie about everything, about everything.
I cannot stop thinking about myself, and that one damn guy who I believe I am in love with.
Is this a person, is this a type of personality?
My reality is twisted, all my opinions are based on a negative motive. I cannot respect good people around me, I think about taking drugs and getting addicted all the time. I hate my body, I hate my mind, but when I look in the mirror I keep staring at myself.
when I am upset, my mother and my sister and my boyfriend, tell me that I am the kindest person ever, I am the sweetest girl ever, I am the prettiest girl ever. But I guess they do it for themselves, to validate their upbringing, their choice, their blood?
What am even I?
I feel shy when I talk to people, I feel anxious to make friends because I don't know how to talk about people and try to know about them, I just know how to talk about myself. I want to be a musician but I cannot play any instrument, I don't know anything about producing music. instead, I am studying animation at college.
what even happened that shaped my brain like this? is this even my brain?
I want to be kind, I want to be happy, I want to be productive, I want to live outside my head and enjoy the beauty of this world, make friends, make real relationships. make everyone around me feel better, I want to be productive, get good grades at college, I want to sing, I want to dance.
I just don't wanna be this person who pretends like they don't exist, does nothing, want nothing...….
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wow... thank you so much for this!
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