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I and R started talking again, I told him I had a breakup and R said you are just meant for me why don't you believe that. I said to R, sorry but I cannot trust you. R said R is not drinking anymore from the day I came to my home town and I was extremely amazed because one of his friends agreed on it and said R left drinking. I started to have a conversation with R . I started meeting R along with his friend and my friend. I asked R to make a coffee once and R made it for me. I felt so lucky and loved and overwhelmed and thought R is changed. R tried his best as always to prove to me that he is changed.
R propose to me back again and I said R yes. R said to meet his family members so one by one I met all of R's family members and R's family members open-minded. Whenever I used to go to meet R at his home her family was telling me he is upstairs you can go there. Guys, we kissed but I didn't have sex with R because I was on my period.
On the same day when I reach home R asked me have I kissed anyone before and I said yes I did kiss my ex. I asked him If he kisses and He said I didn't kiss but you already know I have fucked with many prostitutes. I was like okay that hurt but I didn't take it in mind. I told my family about R and his family knew about mine. My family knew that R belongs to a gangster family so my family member is not happy about my decision but they said if you can stay in their family then you can marry him.
I came back to another country from my home country and R started smoking again not every day but whenever R gets stressed R smokes. R told me he smoked after 5 6 days only when I ask him. R gave me his install id so I was going through it I just found 2 girls to whom he shared something about me and they were telling her not to talk to me because I am toxic for him. I saw those chats on the same day he gave me his id but the next day he deleted it and told me he didn't use to keep one of the girls chatting because that girl was his friend's cousin's sister. This sister was in a relationship with another guy but R met her at someone's wedding and messaged her that she is really pretty. This sister keeps on messaging R to meet him and R also messages to her. I told R if that was your sister He said no I can't make her my sister .she is my friend so that sister is a crush of R.R also saved her name as my name so he can talk to her in front of his friend.
R hides lots of things from me so I started hiding as well. but it makes me more stressed because R told me how one of his friend's sisters approached her and ask for sex. I could not believe it because that lady had a love marriage with someone and had 7 times sex with R on the same day. R and this lady were mutual of R's best friend they both betrayed this best friend. I feel so bad for this guy.
Now I am not talking to R because he hide lots of things from me he started smoking and drinking again but I love him I cannot leave him but at the same time If I marry him my life will be fucked up. I believe in him for a few seconds but then all of those thoughts come in that if R can betray his family and best friend he can easily betray me. I have trust issues in my life and these trust issues are not letting me leave and love people. All of that situation in my life has made me heartless.
I do not know what shall I do. give me some advice, I cannot move on in life because I did try but I keep on falling for him again and again. but at the same time if I stay in a relationship with him because of his past and my past I keep on doubting him. I feel like it's better if he dies I won't feel anything for him and the feeling of losing him won't come to my mind. These feelings make me sick and build walls around myself and not talk to people.
How can I get away from him and this feeling?
Nikola61
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