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I'll be frank here a lot of us are struggling lately, and sorry this is just a jumbled up cluster fuck of my brain right now. I've been in a funk so long I have almost forgotten what normal is. The last handful of years being on disability has been eye opening. I've had to learn how to do things differently, but that part I'm okay with.
It's been hard, just to feel like I'm in a place I belong anymore. Family issues, having to take care of elder family members as sadly I don't have my own family at 42 relationships and I never work out. I'm a bad read I guess, Mrs Right is out there somewhere. But this last year I've been running on empty, can't hardly sleep, get up go help a friend out just to say busy, come home prep dinner for the 3 of us, do all the shopping, most of the cleaning as well. I'm getting less and less me time. Time I need to unwind, relax and focus on my own shit. I am taking a few days soon and taking a small trip but I can't be gone more than a few days as it's hard to say my old man isn't a meal planner, and hasn't really cooked meals ever. My old lady had a medical issue last year so she is unable to do much of the cooking at least not every day and the few times she's tried since the issue, she's struggled felt bad where I had to step in and finish.
But with all this covid crap it's hard to reach out to someone. All my friends have their own busy professional lives, and their own issues. They don't need someone like me dumping my issues on them.
I have other family but like I said above there has been some bad blood going on lately. It's nothing I can explain here.
I stopped having nice dreams long ago, when my own condition progressed me info me on a state of pain so bad I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. So with all this extra load of work on top of committed work for my friend, which gives me something to focus on that isn't pain. It's my way of distraction. It helps. But coming home meal prepping and clean up is getting even harder. I haven't told my folks yet about the current progression as I don't need to add to their stress as well. It's hard having to keep it bottled up. My old man notices when I'm down and out and I'm thankful for that. But it's far deeper he's struggling with the new routine as well. Just never thought how bad burnout can get. But I don't have any bad thoughts so don't worry.
But I've had this incredible sense of deja Vu lately. Including a dream that I tend to have I can't say nightly but every time I get a bit more and a bit more.
In this dream, I wake up on the dream to almost absolute darkness. Slowly things come into focus. I see a doorway just a solid rectangle of white light framing the opening then I see a window next to the door covered in what appears to be cards. I keep scanning my surroundings to realize I'm in a hospital room. I start hearing beeps, and chirps and noises of a pump. I look around more and see flowers and a balloon on a table, the balloon is starting to die it's lazily listing back and forth and bouncing off the flowers in the basket. I see a white board on the room but unable to read anything on the board except my name and dob. I the. Look down at my bed realizing I am looking at myself laying in bed, my mind and conscious have separated. I find I am able to actally get out of bed and walk around leaving my mortal body on the bed hooked up to a plethora of machinery. I have a breathing tube in, and hoses running up under the covers to an IV Tree and andran bag on the floor. I walk over to the table and see pics of friends and family and many I don't know. I walk over to the board and again it's all written in an alien language. I walk towards the door to see tons of cards taped to the window. Get well cards, Christmas cards, BD cards. Walking towards the door into the hall I am unable to leave the room,. Some force is preventing me from walking further but a glance down the hallway in either direction leads to bright white lights that block out any real distance. I can see the bare wall across from my room, and the occasional bark of an intercom with an unknown language being broadcast. I walk back into the room, I see a couch in one corner with a pillow and a blanket on it obviously used and the blanket was just randomly tossed on the couch. I walk up to the exterior window. It's dark outside. I cannot figure where I was at. It appeared I was up at least a few stories I could look at the city below, cars driving around, and lights and street lights and other businesses it was quite the city skyline. As I wander over to the bed again I have this incredible feeling of warmth fall over me. A bright light eminates from the middle of the room. I turn and squint my eyes to focus what is happening. From the. Light a young girl with beautiful long blonde hair almost to the floor. As the bright light fades a very warm glow radiates from her. She walks up smiles grabs my hand which fills me with a flood of emotions. And says "Let's go sit down shall we, we have much to discuss." I nod as we walk over and sit on the couch. Her dress of pure white, flows with her and leaves a trail of light behind her. She says "Everyone calls me "Little One"". We sit and talk about life. But nothing telling me how I got where I am at. She does say I have been out for a "Very long Time" lots of people miss me, and wish I would wake up soon. She reaches over to the small table next to the couch and grabs a framed picture I didn't see before. Sne hand it to me and says she misses you the most. The picture was a beautif picture of myself and a beautiful lady that I had no clue who it was of is. She presses the picture to my chest while I was still holding it. And she again replys she really misses you. About this time a wave of cold washes thru the room. Little One says "Oh Goodie, he's here,". From the darkest corner of the room out steps a very dark figure. Standing nearly ,7 feet tall. His emancipated face was thin frail and ash white. His one visible hand grasping a long staff with an orb of sorts at the very top, between twisted twigs that hold the orb. He was wearing a very heavy, thick and long cloak with a hood. His steps shook the ground a bit as he walked towards us. Little One replied "Late as always Az" my mind froze for a moment Az as in Azreal? Az shakes his head, props his staff againsthis chest and drops his hood to reveal a very pale face and head witb long silver hair now visible.on his shoulders. He had a pair of wings just about as big S he was tall. The feathers all tattered and very worn.
Az clears his throat and says "Little One, let's get him back in his bed now, it's almost time to go. She replied " A few more mins?," Az groans and reluctantly agrees. Little one stands up takes the picture and sets it back on the table. She takes both my hands filling once again with warmth. She says to my. "Remember, never give up, never give in, never settle and eat of all, you are loved,"
Az motioned me to stand up and points his frial nony hand towards my bed. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed and I could feel a force pulling me towards my body. As the body merging is happening Az looks at me and says "It's not your time, you still have too much to do on this planet before we call you home. May you find the peace you are looking for.". Little ones starts walking toward Az and once there they walk toward the bright doorway. I feel myself betting pulled in harder and harder. At the last min, Little runs back to me in haste and says "I forgot, Don't Worry, everything will be okay," and Everything will be okay repeated onto a softer and softer echo as I have one final glimpse of Little One and Az all thru the door disappearing into the light as darkness again envelopes me. A few moments later things slowly come back into focus. I can make out a person that looks like the one on the picture holding my hand, crying, repeting "Please Wake Up, everything is going to be okay, Please wake up. I have eni in me to squeeze her hand, which she instantly looks up and toward me, it is the person from the picture. All I can say is "Hi" as everything again fades out to darkness and I amwake up for real in my own bed.
---
At ni time in the dream I can figure out where or when. But this dream is becoming more and more lately. I have no idea who the lady is, no clue who the two spirits are Az , (Azrael? Angel of Death? ) And Little One I can't find reference to her description she didn't have any wings, or a halo. My only thought was she is my unborn sister that my mom had a miscarriage before I was born. So maybe my unborn sister?
I've had other dreams with this same figure the lady not Little One. But she is faceless. Her figure is there but she has no face. Dreams that I had a house I shared with her and one dream revealed a baby that I was playing the guitar to to lull it to sleep with the figure saying "She Might not be ours, but she is family" I'm unable to have kids so that's another oddity
So it's just been a bad few years for me. I've bottled up so much emotion and pain I hide it well. There are times I wish I had someone I could chat with at 2am when I can't sleep. I had a friend like that but lost him last year and another I lost a few years back.
It's hard for guys to fess up and say I need help. I'm tired, out of steam and don't know where to turn. I havent been out for a few years now with any friend. Weather's too crappy to take the bike and ride someplace. But I am running down the coast for a few days to see if it helps. See if I can't recharge any.
Disability is bad enough, not knowing what tomorrow's going to be like, pain wise and physically. With my condition that has me full of tumors that's causing the pain. No escape from it. But one day at a time and step by step.
Sad part is I know I will never own my own home again, SSD pays okay but rents still more than I make. It sucks. I'm banking every dollar I can so maybe if this works fixes itself maybe I can try anyway. But knowing I'll be on SSD for the rest of my life that's hard. But again for now I have a roof over my head. So all good there.
The bigger and better things
.
On to better things I guess.
And Everything will be okay...
Peace
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I think that the dream is showing you the future or what could be the future if you don't rest. You will go into hospital where you become close to death but get well again as it isn't your time.
What surprises me about this dream is that God has spoken to me for years and has a name that He calls me and the name is 'Little One.' So now I am wondering if He is letting me know that He has a job lined up for me after I die which is to visit the dying and to let them know that their time isn't up yet. Earlier on tonight I was watching a religious show on TV and I was reminded that God led me to the beautiful suburb where I now live (in Australia) with trees, lakes, and hills in the background, and the lovely house and landscaped yard with two rose gardens, a covered car shelter that is also an entertaining area, and a path that has a fish pond beside it and leads to a gazebo. Also from watching this show I know that God wants me to spend more time with Him so before I got onto Novni tonight I looked up 'Christian prayers for the night' and read some. I hope that after the dream that you had you find your walk with God.
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