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When I was 17 I moved out to study abroad. Normally, kids like me back in my hometown would go home every Christmas or summer break. I just turned 20 earlier this month and I have not been back since I got here. When I left my country, I was this angsty teen that hated home. I said that I will never go back, or at least not for the next 10 years. The thing was, I just wanted to escape my anti-lgbt, religious, conservative parents, my toxic extended family and ex-classmates that could be classified as "bullies". But even then, I knew that it was just me being a teenager, was in a lot of pain. So I thought, that one day I would grow out of this issue, and would be able to go home, even if it was just a vacation. The first year I noticed that I was not missing home, not even my family. The second year, I noticed that home(my hometown/country) did not feel like home anymore, but my rental room here (the country I'm studying in) does not feel like home either. Even though sometimes this affects me, I would just say to myself that I am okay and I will be okay. I will make more friends, even best friends that I could call my family. But it has been three years, and the pandemic did not make it easier either. I do have friends from uni and my part-time work. But in the end of the day, my friends would have either their sibling or parent or significant other or internet gaming friend. And I have no one. There are days where I really want to celebrate a good news, or cry about some sad ones. And there would be no one there. I really do not know what I am going through right now, because I thought I am supposed to used to it. (I started living alone at the age of 14). I really don't know how younger me did it. But right now, coming home after uni then an 8.5 hours shifts plus 2 hours commute, I really just want a hug. But there is no one there to give me one. Also a problem is that even if my parents or sisters could be there and hugged me and it won't make a difference. Because growing up I did not get hugs a lot, so it would just be awkward to get one from them. The first person I really could hug was my ex. But we broke up and it did not end well. So now I am left with no one. I have superficial relationship with my parents and one of my oldest sister, and my other older sister hates me for reasons that really not my fault.
I used to be proud that I did not miss home, and all other international students did. I used to think that I am so much better because I simple do not miss home. But now I realized that they at least have something to miss and I do not.
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I also left my home to go abroad. I know how it can feel to be alone and understand what you are going through. It's ok for you to miss home and you deserve better. You seem like an amazing person and anyone would be so blessed to have you in their lives.
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