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I was born and brought up in a middle class family in India. As I grew up, I knew my parents had nothing to offer much to me. After my 10th class, I was forcefully thrown into the rat race to crack the highly competitive engineering entrance exam (IITJEE). I never wanted that. My soul interest was in music production, but that was curbed down to slogging for 16 17hrs in world of physics chem and maths. I thought this pain would end after I complete my 12th, so I took it seriously and started to work hard for those exams. In the end of 12th I realized all of the things I studies were complete shit. Yes, our coaching teachers were inexperienced and misguided us. They took a hefty amount of fee too at the start of the session. I was disheartened and completely shattered. All my hardwork (which I did for the things I didn't love) went useless. While I was in my preparation phase, I used to be very depressed cuz the things were not working out in the process. Taking advantage of that, my classmates used to bully me of no reason. As I was depressed I didn't fight back, cuz I didn't see a point in taking a stand for my worthless self. Anyways, exams happen and I failed (miserably). I decided to take a drop to prepare one more year. I was broken and I needed a support. I texted my neighbor (who is my wellwisher but due to my strict parents they cut contacts with her after 10th by confiscating my phone so that I could study well for 2yrs). After talking to me, she had 2 opinions about me- 1. I had changed (from a wholesome being to a complete jerk) 2. She didn't like me the way she used to, 2 yrs back. As I needed a support, after a few months I asked her out and she rejected me stating the above reasons. I completely accept the rejection. I feel sad that my JEE journey and having thrown in a bunch of toxic people made me change my personality as well, and I hate that. I lost everyone cuz of my rude behavior. It was all the frustration of lost hardwork and not able to follow my passion. Presently my exams are just 3 months away and I dunno what I gonna do cuz half of the time I had wasted my time being depressed and crying in my closed room for literally all the things. Some things are so embarrassing that I don't even have the courage to write it down over here. I asked my parents that if I fail in that test would they allow me to get admitted to a music production school and they denied, stating the reason they don't have enough budget. I am in such a hopeless situation rn. All I know is for the past 3 yrs I've been giving my best each and every single day...studying day and night...and after that if I don't qualify I decided that i'll end my life...Honestly I am tired AF...I don't have enough energy to get life going up again...I lost everything...As I am writing this, I have literally 0 friends, no one to talk to...no support from family...Ohh I forgot to tell you guys...My parents are toxic AF....my mom is a karen... I haven't spoken to her for an year now...
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ReplyDon't loose hope.IK its a tough phase. show ur skills on social media platforms to people if uh are good at singing or playing instruments. do whatever ur heart says just listen to urself. Thats all i can say.
ReplyNEET did that to me and here I am slogging to get in. I can relate that. I can totally relate to your depression and pressure. In this journey we become someone we used to hate. That's not our fault, that's the result this preparation has caused us. I would say now there's nothing you can do, except for studying hard and getting in college. You can start your music journey side by side too. Once you complete your college, go for your music career. It's also little risky in India to have a full time career in music, so first prove your skills to your parents and then maybe they'll accept your passion too. But for now, rather than looking back,look forward and do whatever you can in three months. Do your best. That's all you got now. After three months you'll be able to feel better trust me. Because you've given it your all. Get in a college and then there's no one stopping you for your music career. Do little day by day, and one day you might finally make it to your dream job. Here in India no matter how much there's this saying "follow your passion" nothing comes first before parents choice. That's harsh reality. So prove yourself and you'll gain confidence. You've given this your time and energy. Just do your best for now, that would be better for your mental health too. Take care!! All the best
ReplyI can't thank you enough man...thanks for giving me the right perspective towards everything...best wishes for you too for your exams...i'll pray for your results. :)
ReplyWell...are you alive or dead rn ?
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