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Sorry in advance if I write it like a list. Have had one previous attempt, two hospitalizations. School causes serious anxiety in me now, used to be just essays but it applies to all assignments now, have anxiety meds that are as needed only. I never have panic attacks at school, I just breakdown at home which usually results in crying or avoiding the assignment altogether. During my first and only physical hospitalization I didn't recognize anybody and only talked about school or muttered nonsense.
I can't talk to anybody because hospitalizations don't work long term. I instantly start doing fine once hospitalized but if I have to do school I break down again. I also can't play video games until I'm stable(no hospitalizations), but that won't happen until school is out. Video games felt like a hobby or job you find that finally fits although I was addicted. I played a wide assortment of games, knew almost everything trivia wise about most games, invested time competitively in them, and had friend groups centered around them. My only reason to live consists of video games, yet every big assignment in school results in another hospitalization, which means a longer time away.
Thinking of ending it because hospitalizations do nothing. Coping skills are on a infosheet made in 2014 telling you to do stuff like hug a tree, medication works until it doesn't and switches are made constantly. I just got a 504 but it isn't going to do much. I've tried nearly every academic elective/class at school(anything not sports or fine arts) and none of them interest me. Yet school is a big pressure in my life and I feel like even video games(when I get them back) won't be worth the stress that school causes.
Like I said, when I was in the hospital I didn't recognize anybody and all I talked about was school, I had to drop all advanced class and yet I still stress. My mom gets me snacks, take out, other material goods and I yet I still stress. I have no phone, no social media, I only have a small amount of friends of school that play video games, everyone else ignores me(only other people at hospitals see me as another human being) Seeing how inevitable school is, how useless all this coping skill/medication/etc stuff is, and how far away in time my video games are I'm pretty committed to start saving pills tonight, wait 3 weeks until I have alone time and enough pills, and end it like I tried last time, only I'll have enough alone time to not get interrupted.
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