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i didnt really think i could do worse than when i relapsed a month ago, ive cut since then but not nearly as bad/ as much at a time. especially now, since i had a motivator to let all the cuts heal and not add more.
but idk something just kinda,, went off inside me last night i guess. and i think this is worse than a month ago. especially considering a month ago i wasnt sobbing in the shower afterwards because i didnt even have the energy to get up.
it stings. it fucking stings. nothing is too deep. ive always been careful about that, i dont use a razor cuz it scares the shit out of me, so nothing is ever *too* deep. but itll definitely take awhile to heal, especially with how i cant help but pick at the cuts when they scab over.
but yk, the cuts themself arent the scariest part. shit seeing myself bleed is the *good* part. the scary part is the way i couldnt even will my own body to get up afterwards and all i could do is sit there holding myself and sob. the scary part is knowing that if my little sister had gone on vacation with my mom and older sister, and it was just me and my drunk dad home, i probably wouldve killed myself. but my mom doesnt come home til friday and i cant do that to my little sister. shes only 11 and she already has to deal with our drunk dad who hasnt been sober since a few hours after my mom left for her vacation. shes 11 and if it werent for me she would not be getting dinner or getting to school. i may not do the best job of taking care of her, considering i can hardly take care of myself, but i make sure she gets that at the very least. thats more than my dad can fucking say. so yeah shes the only reason i didnt kill myself yesterday.
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I cannot say for certain anything, because I do not know the situation well enough, but it sounds like what might be happening is the pressure and stress in your life builds up, whether you're aware or not, and at some point it becomes too much. This may be why when you broke down and hurt yourself you could not get up, your body was so exhausted and burnt out from having to handle an alcoholic dad and having to act as a parent for your sister. This is extremely stressful and traumatic for children and teens. You should not have to parent your own sister, but you are wonderful for doing so. You're assuring your little sister will be okay. But please, make sure you take care of yourself too. I understand it isn't easy when you live in a "tricky household", but even little things can count and make a difference. Finding an alternative to self harm, and learning to recognize when things are building up for you and addressing it. Learning coping mechanisms that are positive, and developing a "crisis plan" when you feel yourself start to become too overwhelmed. If you have anyone you feel you could confide in, having someone personal to support you can be very beneficial. I hope you and your little sister will be okay.
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