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A year ago today was the last time I was sexually abused by a healthcare provider. Tomorrow is March 11th, my birthday. On March 11, 2001 I was raped by someone who was my coworker and he also happened to be my manager’s brother. I don’t actually even know how many times I’ve been raped because I’ve been hurt too many times and by too many people. As a teenager, I couldn’t ever seem to find a safe place to work where my adult male managers didn’t hurt me. Sometimes they hurt me in front of other people, and even though I was just a kid, no one ever did anything to help me. They all just laughed instead. I’ve been fired from multiple different jobs that I actually needed because I refused to sleep with my boss. I always felt like I had to work harder than everyone else because I couldn’t ever find a safe place in the world. It’s difficult to find the right thing to say during a job interview when the potential employer asks, “Why did you leave your job at —————?” They obviously don’t want to hear the truth and I never wanted to tell them the truth because I knew they wouldn’t hire me if they knew and because it was none of their damn business. For my own survival I learned to just make up an “acceptable” and “benign” “valid” reason. I think I was either 5 or 6 years old the first time that I was anally raped. I had blankets over my head and I was screaming. I was too young to understand what was happening to me. I’ve been hit, punched, kicked, thrown across the room, tossed into a rock pit, and even bitten hard on the chest by a stranger…the kind of bite that shows every single bloody tooth mark and then turns purple, blue, green, and yellow…and takes forever to heal. I was just a kid, a teenager, when that bite happened. The guy was an adult and I didn’t even really know him. He just leaned over and bit down. For no reason at all. Just to hurt me. There were two other people there when it happened but they didn’t do anything about it. In fact, a few years later one of those other people would decide to hurt me too. At 16 years old I was pretty much on my own. There wasn’t anyone to go home to when I got hurt. There was never a safe place to fall apart and try to heal. Both of my parents were alive. They still are. They just weren’t around much then. I was usually by myself in an empty house for weeks at a time, or I was couch surfing and staying with friends who weren’t really my friends. I had to just try to take care of myself. I was in the hospital for a few weeks in 9th grade and I remember that when I got back to school my algebra teacher threw a desk at me…because I didn’t know the answer…because I missed two weeks of school and couldn’t possibly know what everybody else learned while I was gone. I was a straight A student in elementary school and middle school…but things started to change in junior high. I guess all of the trauma and hospital stays kind of got in the way. I should have had a bright future. I should have been able to obtain academic scholarships. I should have been able to attend just about any college or university of my choosing. I had a lot of medical problems too so I spent a lot of time at the university hospital when I was a baby, a toddler, and growing up. My medical problems caused a lot of pain and suffering and I wasn’t like all of the other kids so I was physically and verbally bullied a lot. Not just by other kids, by adults too. One daycare lady used to lock me in a room by myself instead of reprimanding the other kids. Another daycare lady yelled at me when I was suddenly bitten in the face by a Labrador Retriever. It seems odd to me that her immediate and automatic response to me almost getting half of my face bitten off was to yell at me instead of comforting me, providing medical care, or making sure that I was okay. I learned at a very young age that everything bad that ever happened to me was always somehow going to be my fault…even though deep down inside I knew that it never really was my fault. Doctors aren’t supposed to hurt and abuse their patients. Friends, significant others, and family members aren’t supposed to traumatize, hurt, and abuse the people they’re supposed to love and care about. And police officers are supposed to help when victims ask them to help keep them safe. I have always been a kind and sensitive person. I was always trying to make sure that everybody else was okay. I never wanted anyone to ever have to suffer the way that I always have. Somebody should have cared enough to keep me safe…but people are still cruel and they still think that it’s better to hurt the victim or cause them further pain rather than to help them. I have survived half of what equates to an average lifetime and I don’t believe that I will ever know what it feels like to live a day in my life without excruciating pain and suffering…physically and emotionally. I’ve been abused by more people than I can count…and I doubt that I’ll ever know what it feels like to be able to trust another human being. The world and all of the people in it only just keep validating my fear. Life is diabolically cruel and I’m just so tired.
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You shouldnt have gone through so much. Its no wonder you dont trust anyone. There are nice wonderful people out there and i hope they find you and give you hope xxx
ReplyJust an FYI. If you’re writing a response to someone who’s a survivor of abuse and sexual violence, you should probably refrain from signing off with “xxx”
ReplyThis is a shame that these things have happened to you. If you like you can see a therapist who should go through these things with you and help you heal.
ReplyMental health professionals helped to cause some of the pain and trauma. They should have been safe people but they weren’t. That’s why I’ll never talk to another mental health professional ever. I’m no longer willing to let anyone near enough to hurt me ever again. I don’t communicate with people anymore. That’s why I’m surprised I even posted anything here.
Replythere is no shame in talking to someone and i dont blame you for not trusting people but just know there are good people out there and it may take time to find them but you deserve to be happy
ReplyThis post shares personal information. It should be deleted.
Replyit's just a birth date? there's no name location or anything else.
Reply