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I don't know why I lack self worth,self love and self value but can't help but think it's due to the lack of LOVE I Received as a child.I mean i lived with my mom but she was lost in her drug addiction so how could she love me right if she cant love herself right. yet she didn't abandon me like my father! Now I just seem to love the wrong men. A lot of them are just like my father and the men and women I saw my mom date.I think seeing my mom with women is another reason why i had sexuality issues.My mom also never had many solid relationships that weren't them fighting or being violent as well. I don't think I ever had a boyfriend that I actually dated for a while who didn't cheat or abuse me. Also I don't think I ever dated someone who didn't do drugs or have some kind of addiction. Even my first real relationship with a girl I dated in High school who I really liked she cheated. My girlfriend and I were both drinkers and going out a lot. I remember catching her making out with another girl in my living room at my party and I lashed out. I beat her and the girl she was kissing up what the hell was wrong with me? I felt so bad because I really did care about her. It's crazy that as I'm writing this I'm for the first time really seeing an unhealthy ongoing pattern.
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i definitely think its possible that your repeating a cycle you've seen its hard to love correctly if you don't have love for yourself or ever seen real love in your home as a child as we are products of our environments.we are all born with the desire to feel loved from the moment were born not feeling that can make you question yourself,cause you to feel neglected,not enough undeserving of love or like something is wrong with you when in all reality its not you at all.also when we feel those things we tend to want to find the love we long for anywhere we can anyway we can or at least a different feeling to take away the feeling we feel inside for girls without a father we seem to run into any mans arms that make us feel loved or tells us what we want to hear then stay as long as the love is free and sometimes it doesn't even stay that way i don't think you've seen any healthy relationships in your life and I'm sorry i feel like you can change all this but it'll take time and healing you should never allow any abuse or be the abuser you deserve more and are worth more then that as the abuser and the victim you are enough and are worth more don't ever allow someone or your feelings make you lower your standards to accept those type of things or to act out of character and act that way
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