What are you looking for?
6 months ago · · Need Advice, · Explicit
Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this letter. I feel like I have so many pent up feelings that I've never released before and lately everything's been adding up. I don't know how to say it so it's probably just going to be a long run on.
You've changed to the point where I don't recognize you and I don't want to be your friend. We had so many good times and you were always there for me, but over the past year something about our relationship changed. At some point during quarantine I became dependent on you; we were both absolutely miserable and we needed each other for the most basic things in life. We called for hours at a time and you were the only friend I had. It's always been you- in middle school when I was somehow alienated from our friends and you stuck by me no matter what. We went to your summer house and I grew close with your family too. But, despite these good times, I also had terrible moments. I would get insanely jealous of how you were able to deal with things. We were both depressed and you somehow managed to get your school work done and thrive. We both had parental issues but somehow you were able to overcome it. We both were incredible unhealthy and ugly, but you still somehow managed to pull guys at a rate I had never been able to. You were always the one that was wanted, and I never was. Eventually I got over the jealousy, but that distinct difference between us remained somewhere in by subconscious mind. And then, your personality started to change. You became edgier and funnier, and you started to find things cringe. I was absolutely attached to you, and I underwent that change for a while to stick by you. But, it became stressful for me to continue being that way when you started to be a bad person. I remember in elementary school, we promised we'd never to turn to drugs or alcohol, and now in our prime 16 years, you've turned to both. Your opinions became worse and you became an 'undercover' homophobe, as you liked to call it. That was one of the first things that set me off. I became who I really am during the beginning of junior year, and instead of you accepting me, you also alienated me, and that made me feel like shit. I didn't have the same personality as you anymore , and instead of drifting apart as friends do, you began actively trying to change me through 'jokes' that actually hurt me. You never stopped once to think about what I wanted, and it made me question if you ever even wanted a real friendship with me or if you just wanted someone that was identical to you so you wouldn't feel alone in being a bad person. I could deal with it at first, but then we started to make friends at our schools. We don't go to the same school anymore and it's natural that we would have different friends, but you made me feel so bad about it. You became friends with people that were insufferable and terrible. They didn't help you up, they pulled you farther down into being a shitty person. I became friends with people you thought were cringe, but they made me feel better in ways you never had. They gave me genuine advice and told me when I was wrong, instead of letting me sink farther down into shit. I wouldn't say it's only because of them that I made a realization about you, but it definitely helped me to see the difference between good people and bad people. That was when I started to distance myself from you. Sure, I had a few insecure moments where I needed my childhood friend that had always understood me, and I still sometimes slip through and text or call you. It was during one of these calls where I realized you don't actually care about me. I had called you in tears, I don't even remember for what, and instead of immediately asking what was wrong or comforting me or literally anything, you instead asked "Oh, is it your friends?," and when I said no through my tears, you commented "Oh wow that hasn't happened yet?" Actually, I don't even know what you were thinking. Yeah, the friends abandoning me and alienating me thing happened four years ago, but are you fucking serious?? You know I'm still sensitive about it, you know I literally have trauma from it that affected me to the point where I needed a therapist. You knew that, and you still decided to drag that into the present, almost like you were trying to paint them as people who would do the same thing so I would turn around and come back to you. Fuck that. That actually made me feel terrible. That was the last straw. You want me to be codependent on you, you want me to be the same as you, you want to manipulate me in ways where I will never leave you. I hate that you used things that I was insecure about and turned it into reasons why I should go back to you. It's fucked up and it made me mad. And now that I'm trying to distance myself again, you keep texting me, never giving me the space I need. I still love you, and I hate me for that. I know you don't want the best for me and still I can't find it within me to completely leave. I cover my feelings up by saying my mom was giving me issues and that I wasn't on my phone anymore. You believed that and I hated myself for not giving you the honest answer. I just can't do it, because late at night, I don't think about the bad things you did, I think about the good memories we share.
So I guess, in a way, I'm not exactly writing to you, I'm writing to me, because nothing bad you do ever feels real and I need to solidify my feelings. This is everything I feel, and I'm writing this to make myself read it and remember it. I don't think I can take this down, so I know this will be permanent. I don't regret my friendship, and I guess I'm a little thankful for it, because it did help me through my lowest point. I couldn't have survived anything without you, but to continue that dependency would've ended up killing me in the end. I'm sorry I don't have the guts to tell this to you, and I don't think I ever will. If you ever see this, think it's about you, and read it all the way through; don't tell me. I want you to know but I don't want you to know. Don't apologize if you feel that you're sorry, don't call me mad if you think this is unreasonable, don't pretend to feel anything. At whatever point in your life that you read this, I don't want you to talk to me about it. Maybe you'll realize something about the way you act, maybe you won't. Either way, this is how I feel. I don't care whether you accept it or not because I'm finally being responsible for my feelings and holding both you and me accountable.
I do love you, and it sucks that I do. I hope you find happiness in the world and you become comfortable in who you really are, whoever that may be.
The person you called your best friend for years.