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Dear friend,
I can't believe I'm addressing you as a friend, nothing feels further away of what I see you as. But for now it's friend, for now it's buddy, for now it's classmate.
What can I say? I don't have the courage, I don't know how to say it, the words simply don't come out of my mouth.
Just tell me, do you feel it too? do you feel a spark when we talk passionately about history or basketball? do you sense the unspoken words that come out of our sentences? can you read between the lines? is there anything there to read?
Do you notice when I go two seats away from you? don't think I'm mean, I'm doing that to protect us, to protect our friendship. I go two seats away because being with you is intoxicating, and never in my life have I been more attracted to poison.
I don't quite get it, it was supposed to be easy. New city, new college, new problems, but somewhere along the way I got into the most familiar situation I've ever been in, unrequited love. Because it's unrequited, isn't it? Tell me it is and I'll walk away. It will hurt like hell, but I can do it. I'm used to walking away. Staying is the new territory if I'm being honest, staying put, standing still, facing the tide, that's what I can't handle, so please don't make me if there's nothing below surface.
I just want to know, are you happy with her? because something tells me you're not. When you told me you were considering breaking up with her, I felt happy, just for a second. Then I started to feel pain because so were you. That's when I realized I was in love with you. Only someone in love would've done what I did next, I told you not to, because I knew you weren't ready to let go. I let you go so you wouldn't have to let her go. See the irony there? it's almost funny. Almost.
So now, my love, because at this point I've earned the right to call you my love, even just as a secret, I walk away. Not from you, I couldn't do that, but from the person I have to leave behind if I want to be close to you and not feel my heart break. I have to say goodbye to her, because I can't, for the life of me, say goodbye to you. My only fear is that I don't want to resent you for this. God, I hope I don't resent you for this.
Always yours never mine,
J
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