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2 months ago · · suicide attempt,
I hope you're doing better tonight. They won't let me go see you because of COVID, but I'm thinking of you. Thank you for calling M. Thank you for going with the police officer. Thank you for cooperating and getting the help you need.
I don't know if I'll ever completely get over this. It's still not quite registering in my mind. There's this one image burned into my brain though. Me and M got the school counselors and went to the bridge you said you were at. The two of us were walking side by side, up the hill obscuring our view of the whole bridge. I told the counselors to look for a little girl in a baby pink sweatshirt and a turquoise coat. We got to the bridge, and we couldn't see you. The counselors started walking on opposite sides of the bridge and I realize that they're looking down to the freeway below. M called you again, you didn't pick up. I started sobbing and suddenly M was too and then we were just holding each other alone on that bridge as the counselors were making sure you didn't jump and the entire world was crashing in on itself.
We walked back to school when we couldn't find you. The counselors didn't speak. We didn't speak. I held M's hand so tight as we cried silently. We passed a group of school children and they reminded me of you and I tried to keep my composure for their sake. Eventually, the school principal came out and told us that you had been found, that that off-duty police officer saw you and came up to you while you were on call with M. I kept crying and the counselor tried to comfort me, but I was still stuck in that moment on the bridge.
M summed it up pretty well a while later. We were in the counseling office after talking with the counselor about making plans for when you come back to school. The counselor stepped out, leaving us to talk. I was calmer by then and so was M. She turned and looked at me and just said, "I don't know what I would have done if I looked down and she was there." It's a thought that haunts me and every time I picture M saying it, there I am on that bridge.
We have plans to help you when you get out of the hospital. We also have plans to alleviate some of the stress on me and M and J and B. You're only 14, but we're only a year older and we need to get you professional help and support from your parents (as much as I know you see me as a parental figure). We can do this though. That's what gives me hope. At least we aren't alone in this now.
B went to drop something off at your house the day it happened. She didn't tell us and she rode several miles on her bike. She loves you, I hope you know that. She apparently told your science teacher to look out for you last time you were really suicidal. I suspect that's why the school believed us so quickly, there was a note in your file. Well, B ran into your parents when she went to your house. She says she can't see them for at least a year because she sobbed in the driveway when she talked with them. They were on the way to see you, so I hope they told you that we've been thinking about you.
J was angry with himself for not responding to your text. He didn't see it until an hour afterwards. Don't worry, we talked to him about it and hopefully he isn't blaming himself as much.
M is in the same boat as me; struggling to process reality, stuck in a few moments in time. We've sworn not to forget that this is real though.
Anyway, since I can't actually write you a letter, and I think it's probably too early to tell you all this anyway, I wrote here. I hope you're getting good care at the hospital. We talked about you going before and I think it could be really good for you. I hope they're absolutely lovely with you there and that they'll talk about seagulls and your beloved pink sweatshirt and your desire to write an extra song for Shrek the Musical. B showed me the letter you wrote her. Don't worry, someday the doctors will let you pee by yourself again. I hope you're getting good sleep and that you know we love you. Tell the others hi, okay?
I love you so, so much. I can't wait to see you again and we're going to do everything we can to help you be safe when you get back.