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Eccentric, sad, narcissistic, soft, aching to help, constantly falling apart, miserable, feminine, dysphoric, hopeful, oddly shaped, artistic, dramatic, sorry, calm, bottled up, fake, trans, loud, supportive, needy, lovesick, disappointed, tall, dark, morbid, deprived, attached, desperate, talented, insecure, loveable, unfitting.
A man. An elf. A thing. An artist. A friend. A boyfriend. A shattered piece. An unfinished work.
When he falls, he starts talking in a monotone voice so it's funny and not as painful.
His whole body always hurts.
He collects tea labels.
Wherever a loved one is sad, he won't sleep until he helps.
When his outfit isn't perfect, it makes him less confident.
When he likes something too much, he feels ashamed.
When he's sad, he wants to be embraced and cradled, but no one is ever around.
When he's called a girl, again and again, his heart shatters.
He dreamily thinks about his lover and craves meeting.
He eats anything he pleases. He's not easily grossed out. He's horny. He's repressed.
He spends an hour getting ready.
He can't sleep in the dark.
He's small and fragile but that is no fit for a man in his country, so he puts on a scowl and wears the weirdest shirts.
He loves his mom. He loves his cat. He loves his partner. He loves his friends.
He doesn't love himself even though he really tries. His scars are white now, but so thick still...
He never gets angry. Not even in his head. Not even when acting. He can't feel anger, except one for himself.
He likes childish things. He likes things that are boring.
He really wants to run away.
He has music and Victorian literature in his head even when he's busy.
He always had amazing grades and got called a good girl.
He wants to feel loved but rarely does.
He's scared of microwave sounds.
He's all alone.
He kisses flower petals. He loves being called sweet names.
Maybe if he's shown a bit of love, he might cry.
His art is colorful and fluid. It's mostly about how people treat each other nicely.
He knows musicals by heart and really wants to be an actor, and a professional artist, but he's old enough to know it's stupid to want. Now he wants to he a social worker. A teacher. An office guy. Someone who gets paid, at all. He can't find a job.
He thinks one day it all might change for the better, still.
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ReplyThis was...beautiful. Related a lot to it; particularly the bits about love, repression and musicals (I'm always up for giving and recieving musical recommendations by the way, if you ever see this and might want to), and I really needed to read something like this right now. Thank you for posting this and I hope things do change for the better.
ReplyThank you so much! It's very validating to know you could relate to me and enjoyed this little introduction. And, oh, absolutely- I'd love to exchange. Do you like anything in particular, maybe a genre or the feel of the musical? My favorites are Spring Awakening and Falsettos, and I'm currently hyperfixated on Jekyll and Hyde. Would love to hear any suggestions, or find out what you usually prefer so I could pick a better offer haha
ReplyHi! Oh good gods I absolutely love Spring Awakening and Falsettos!!! I love stuff of that style, rock musicals and mythology ones. Jekyll and Hyde also is really fun (even though it's much straighter than the book lol). You seem to like similar ones to me, so I would recommend Bare: a pop opera (AKA my obsession since October) and Hadestown (it's folksy and a retelling of an ancient Greek myth)!!! Also Tick Tick Boom is really good too!!!
ReplyI recently read Jekyll and Hyde, and I certainly like both the musical and the original, and I agree about the straight part haha- I'm also seeing Jekyll and Hyde live tomorrow, although in Russian, but it's official and everything, I'm very excited. Thank you for the recommendations! I'll check the musicals out. I suggest Dance of Vampires that I recently saw, in that case. This is a really fortunate meeting here haha
ReplyHi, sorry for responding so late, I've been really busy lately and I hope you do come back to this thread. This is really fortunate indeed :)
Hope you enjoyed Russian Jekyll and Hyde (was it really good?) and I'll keep Dance of Vampires in mind.
ReplyHey!! Yep, I'm back. Also late. It was amazing!!! I absolutely adored it, and I'm still very much thinking about it every day. How... Have you been? Haha
ReplyHell yeah! Glad you enjoyed it, some things are so good you think about them almost constantly :)
I'm alright- tired and emotionally stagnant but very much alive, which is a good thing, and getting better at handling dysphoria in a less self-destructive manner. How are you doing?
ReplyGood, busy but good. Future seems rather promising, and I'm about to graduate high school!! Mock exam results seem nice, and I picked out my suit, my ribbon will have my new name because I had a talk with the head of the class... Hopefully teachers won't question it haha. It also seems like I'll meet up with my lover pretty soon. (We're long distance for over a year now)
Congratulations on your coping, by the way, I would be very happy if you dropped any advice on that in case you have some, but no pressure :)
ReplyAbout to graduate high school? That's pretty awesome! I don't know how the American school system works exactly but I'm glad you're almost out of it, and that you're meeting your lover :) What were the mock exams for, if you don't mind me asking?
Advice-wise, I'm probably not the best to ask, but I'm trying not to force myself to do things I don't want to do and using a journal to vent more (10/10 recommend- particularly helpful when closeted).
ReplyOh, I'm Russian, unfortunately! Haha- yep. I'm 18 years old this summer, sooo.. Finally, school is over forever. My mock exams were for literature and English. Here in my country you have to pass four exams: Russian, math, and two of your choice. Where are you from, if that's not a secret?
So, like coming out the comfort zone? That's very brave of you. A very hard thing to do. And I'll take up the journal idea, it's very nice. I might have some empty notebooks that I was afraid to tarnish and so they laid there for years.
ReplyOh you're Russian! I hope things are alright where you live and all- I'm in the UK (though I'm an immigrant, so not pure-British exactly) and still in the school system, which is brilliant /sarc. When are your legit exams? I'm having some now :/
Also I would describe it more as letting myself get comfortable in my comfort zone, since my instincts tell me to "train the trans out of myself" or whatever, which I'm trying to stop.
ReplyOh you're Russian! I hope things are alright where you live and all- I'm in the UK (though I'm an immigrant, so not pure-British exactly) and still in the school system, which is brilliant /sarc. When are your legit exams? I'm having some now :/
Also I would describe it more as letting myself get comfortable in my comfort zone, since my instincts tell me to "train the trans out of myself" or whatever, which I'm trying to stop.
ReplyThey... Could have been better quite frankly, but it's okay. The school system is a nightmare, really, I believe that it makes me age faster. I feel forty right now.
The internalized transphobia is a b/tch, dare I say, but I'm very glad you're seeing it being wrong. You're valid as heck!!
ReplyMy sincerest condolences about the way things are where you are living :( Honestly the school system probably is aging you, it's so toxic and nonsensical :/ The fact that if you can't write a summary of extreme sports under timed conditions when you were 15-16, you could lose out on a finance job when you're 36 is baffling.
Thank you for the validation :) It's nice to hear honestly since sometimes I feel like gender will eat my brain and then nobody else will ever know the extent to which I consider it everyday- even the few people I'm out to. You're valid too ofc!!! And that isn't up for debate no matter what happens down the line.
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