idk what im gonna do after college

at this point in my life, things are looking very stagnant. i’m 16 and in my junior year of high school. i have no idea what i’m doing. or what i’m going to do. i’m kind of just lost. next week we take the sat.. i am NOT prepared for that at all. the third quarter also ends next week and i’m not prepared for that either. i’m not prepared for anything. and no this isn’t me complaining or trying to get anyone to feel for me. i think i know how i got to this place.. i think i’m just trying to make sense of everything and i’m having a hard time doing so. i was just depressed. or i still am.. i don’t know anymore. and i know no one wants to hear that, which is why i refuse to explain it that way. “i’m 16.. i’m a junior.. school is important, despite my mental health being on the ground.. everyone goes through things.. it’s a phase.. the world’s still spinning..” that’s what everyone’s gonna tell me. they don’t know that i literally can’t do anything. they don’t know they i try and try and try. they don’t know that i have so many unpleasant thoughts roaming through my head whenever i’m awake. they don’t know that i constantly have this feeling inside of me where i just feel uncomfortable— no matter where i am.. where i just feel sad.. and i don’t even know why. they don’t know that i feel like i’m reaching for something that feels so far away.. something that feels so impossible to reach. and i don’t even know what that something is. i just wish they knew that i don’t want things to be this way. i don’t want to skip two classes for two months straight and sit in the bathroom during those hours. i don’t want to get bad grades. i don’t want to go to sleep instead of doing my homework. if i could just do it— all of it— i would. if i could wake up everyday and be excited, i would. if i could go to sleep at a decent time instead of staying up until four in the morning because i don’t want tomorrow to come, i would. if i could just do my homework, i would. i would do it all. really, i would. but i. just. can’t. i wish i could. but i can’t. i’m mentally exhausted and it’s destroying the little bit of me that i have left and i don’t know what to do. i’m not lazy. i’m tired. and i can’t do anything. maybe all of this is because i lack so much motivation. or maybe i lack so much motivation because of all of this? if i’m being completely honest, i really don’t care. i wish i cared.. but i don’t. i don’t care about anything. nothing matters to me. nothing excites me. nothing makes me happy. everything is nothing. just nothing. i have no drive to succeed. i have no will to live. everything is just a blur. sometimes i wish i’d just die. i’m not exactly suicidal because i’ll never do “it” myself. i just wouldn’t really be too upset if someone else did. nothing is how i imagined. i mean, i didn’t think i’d make it this far so i didn’t really create any plans.. i’m just out here winging it and doing a bad job at it. me and my friend call it “the c word”. i have no idea what to do about that. no “c words” are gonna accept me. not when they see those transcripts. and where does that leave me? i mean, i’m not a big fan of school anyway, but i think i want to go. maybe i’ll redeem myself, then. i want to be a social worker. you could probably guess why. i have all of these goals but i am doing nothing to achieve them. i feel stuck. and this is not a good time to be stuck. i pray and hope for things to get better but faith without works is dead.. and i’m clearly not doing the work, so i’m just in a dead situation. or at least that’s what it feels like. i trust God.. i do. i’m just having a hard time with literally everything right now in literally every aspect of my life. i just wish He could tell me specifically which steps to take next. i have no one in my life to guide me. to check on me. to ask me how i am and is really interested in my answer. no one to ask me if i need any help with anything. no one to just hold my hand and walk with me through this very important time of my life. i’m all alone. and although i preach peace, love and kindness, i have issues and my heart feels tight and sad. i hate to be “that girl”, but i do wish i had someone like me. someone to tell me all the things i say to everyone else. someone to be there for me the way i am for everyone else. i do believe that one day i’ll be okay. that what i’m stressing about right now will be over. but what if it doesn’t? i don’t want to be a pessimist but life has given me every reason to be hopeless. to just give up. and i’m getting closer and closer to that point everyday.

12:45 am

4/9/22

Semmon Robinson