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So I have a very unique background... and not in a good wayđ . I wanted to write my story and see if anyone else has had a similar journey. Maybe by some crazy chance someone will and we won't have to feel alone.
Okay here we go! I was born and raised in the mormon church. My mom got a divorce and then remarried. My step dad is not a good guy. He's bipolar and just straight up crazy. It took me a long time to realize that though because he was the "priesthood holder" in the family. So I was trying to be faithful and believe everything he told me. I was struggling with intense stomach problems and instead of taking me to the doctor he would give me blessings saying if I read my scriptures enough and checked the house for demons (I'll explain this in a minute) that my stomach problems would get better.
My mom and step dad believe that our family was "chosen" my step dad would go to the temple and say he had visions of us traveling the world and being really wealthyđ. My mom even pulled me out of school for 2 years in middle school because she thought God was going to make us start traveling. I literally learned nothing those two years.
My mom and step dad believed that Satan was constantly after us because we were the chosen family... whatever the fuck that means.
Anyway they believed I was gifted the power to find demons so they made me go through the house every night in the dark and try to locate demons. Whenever I got scared they would tell me that I needed to have faith and that my gift (the one thing that made me special in their eyes) would be taken away if I didn't. I wanted to please them so I did it for about a year. I still have nightmares to this day. There's a lot more stories but I don't want to get into it.
They were the most manipulative people that I've ever met. Whenever they asked me to do something that made me uncomfortable they would say that God wanted me to do it. I can't even get myself to go to any church at this point. I wanted to please God so bad that I did whatever they said.
I'm 18 now and I'm trying to figure out where God fits in my life. Because of my ptsd I don't know if religion will ever be a hopeful thing in my eyes. It makes me sad because I want a safety net during hard times but I can't trust the idea of God anymore. I feel guilty because the path I'm on isn't the "perfect mormon girl life". I am happy though. I'm finally free. I feel like I failed by cutting the idea of god out of my life but I finally feel safe.
Did anyone else experience religion trauma like this?
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Woah congrats on getting free of that crazyass situation :o It sounds like your life is on track for better things.
My experience isnât nearly as whacko as that, but I was raised/brainwashed by ultra religious parents too. They used a lot of fear to manipulate me. When I moved out at age 18 the first thing I did was blaspheme like you wouldnât believe. Not in anger but in good spirits, like me & a couple other ppl at college used to swear all sorts of holy mayhem and it was hilarious. I guess the point we were making is that there arenât any lightning bolts coming outta the sky and no curses of 1000 deaths or whatever. It was a way of purging all the BS out of our system. Kinda like when someone tells you âitâs bad luck to break a mirror!â So you break one just to see what happens⌠nothing (except cleaning up broken glass lol). And after that youâre a little bit more fearless & confident.
Iâll jump to the end of the story: years have gone by and Iâve developed my own definition of âgodâ which isnât in any man-made book or cult church, and it works for me :) My parents know they better not bring up the subject because Iâll remind them of all the batsh!t cray things they did in the name of their god⌠I win every time lol. So I guess you can say Iâve made a full recovery⌠sorta⌠I still have a ton of resentment and anger at my parents for destroying my childhood which Iâll never get back. But going forward, Iâm cool with my âgodâ (who is a bit of a dumbass, but nobodyâs perfect).
I hope you make a similar recovery. And watch out for stray lightning bolts đ
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