What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text TEEN to 839863 (Teen Line). More resources.
I hate you.
Except that isn’t the right word. I resent you. I resent everything that you are, everything that you represent, I hate you. I wish I could take back those two years, I wish I could’ve realized what you were doing to me sooner, I wish I could take back time and end it all, sooner.
I believed you when you said you “loved” me. But you didn’t. You never did. It’s not how you loved me, but rather you were obsessed with me. You worshipped me. And that is not the same as love. You were in love with your idealization of me, but not me. Not the real me that I see everyday, but the me that you envisioned me to be.
Everything was “perfect”. I was the “perfect” girlfriend, the “perfect” wife-to-be when we were older, the perfect girl. But I am none of those. I am not an exotic girl with thick thighs and a plump booty, I will not achieve those lewdly dreams of yours and as a matter of fact, it is everything I want to get rid of. I do not wish to be reminded of you every time I look at myself in the mirror, I do not wish to be reminded of you when I look down at my legs. I don’t want to see myself be a reminder of your little fantasy of me. It is the way how you wanted me to maintain my “natural thick thighs” when it was not healthy for me, how you begged and cried and pleaded like a child throwing a temper tantrum every time I lost more weight and was on the road to becoming a healthier, better me. It was how you dictated my appearance, often ridiculing the things I chose to wear, the stuff I did to present myself. It was always wear “female” clothing, but don’t reveal yourself like a slut. It was always “dress how you want,” but don’t dress “emo or goth” because you hated those styles. Don’t get piercings, don’t dye your hair, don’t change your appearance, don’t improve yourself and present yourself in a way that you’re comfortable and happy and content in. “Because I don’t like those things” you said. But what about me. I liked those things. It wasn’t for you to decide what I did and didn’t do with my own body, but yet you did. And I resent you for that. And I resent myself, for blindly thinking that was “love” for so long.
Everything was okay, you said. From the first time you slid it in, to the last time. “Everything was okay”. But it wasn’t. It was okay for you, but it wasn’t okay for me. You never checked in once to see how I felt. If I said no, you’d “feel bad”, you’d guilt trip me, saying “we haven’t done it in so long” or “but what about me?” It never was once consensual. You knew what happened last time, and yet you turned around and did the same thing he did to me. But it was all under the mask of “love”. I was so oblivious. I saw the red flag the first time, the second, the third, that time I finally was able to get my way but you put on that emotional shit show so I had to give in, the fifth, the sixth, it was never ending. But I chose to stay, even if you couldn’t, wouldn’t change. I chose to ignore this. I knew better. But I didn’t want to do anything. That is where I resent you. For not realizing how I felt, even if I tried to communicate to you. That is where I resent myself, for not taking up the courage to leave earlier.
Everything’s under control, is the impression you gave off. But what I wished for, what I longed for, was not your control. You were not my parent. I wanted partnership, you wanted obedience and submission. I put up with that for far too long. I lost myself being with you. Entirely. I lost my friends because of your imposing authority over the people I wanted to choose to speak and interact with. I lost my family because you tried to estrange me from them with all your manipulative ways, telling me my own family was no good for me, that they wished me harm, that they were “toxic”. But it wasn’t them. It was you. You are toxic. And as paradoxical as it seems, you are my most toxic relationship yet. Like a poisonous flower, to outsiders we seemed like the “perfect couple”, but you were shattering every aspect of me that made me, me. Slowly but surely, you were trying to control me. During a time where I was at my worst, you were not by my side, but rather you were in the control room. You used my weakness as your advantage, at a time where I was so desperate, you turned it into something to break me of my independence and self-worth and made me lose touch with myself entirely. For two years. And I resent you, so incredibly much for that. It is truly astonishing how much you took away from me. And I resent myself, because this could’ve been prevented if I saw those red flags as red, instead of yellow or green. I resent myself because I could’ve gotten out sooner, but I didn’t.
Everything is no longer yours. The world does not revolve around you. No matter how many times you try to pry into my life now, I will not let you in. We, will not let you in. I may have suffered for two years with you, but within the past six months, I have bloomed without you. Even when you tried to ruin the newer, better things I have going on for me, it never stopped me from rediscovering myself. I remember when you pleaded and begged for me to take you back, but I never blinked a second thought at the long paragraphs you sent daily, nightly. I remember when you tried to contact my partner (whom I am much happier with), trying to get him to break up with me. I remember the constant texts you’d send because you were “just checking in”, and how you tried to tell yourself that we were “friends with benefits”, and that you could “touch me wherever, whenever you wanted” only to never see me again. And I remember the last time you tried to get in contact, very recently so, with a friend whom you thought was estranged from me, only for her to send you pictures of me and my partner, very happily so. And in return you tried to tell her that you’re depressingly the “bad guy”. I do not need you trying to cyberstalk my every move, my every interaction, because we will never meet again. I don’t “need” you anymore. You are not in control.
I wish so badly to be able to send this to you, to directly tell you everything I’ve written here. Because I realized that I do not love you, not once, not ever and I never will. I convinced myself it was love because I thought it was, but in actuality it was me enduring what you put me through. I resent you. I resent you and every single time you told me that if I ever left, you would end your life. And yet here you are, alive and well, and maybe one day you might find this unsent letter to you. I hate, I resent, I detest, I despise, I am repulsed by everything you are, and everything you represent. Let’s not meet again.
haha reddit reference go brrrr
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
GOOD JOB!! Congratulations on ending this hell of a relationship. Don't blame yourself for not noticing sooner. It's hard to realize abuse early on when you believe the person to be good. And if you want a bit of my vision... Send it to him and block him. No more hope for this guy because he's had far too many chances.
Reply