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If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I want help. I really do. Because I don’t want to die. Living just feels so hopeless. I used to only think about what it would be like if I died, but now I find myself planning it out. The method, the note, the song I would play on loop. And it scares me. Not death, but the thought that I feel this way. I’m failing my classes, I can’t sleep right, I’m breaking down in the shower and late at night.
My family doesn’t even notice. I’m conflicted about whether I want them to. On the one hand, all I want is to be seen, to have someone finally turn the tables and take care of me. On the other hand, I can’t bother them. It’s like hardwired into me. Everything hurts and I can’t even say anything because I’m worried about inconveniencing them.
I turn eighteen this summer. I sometimes think that if I can just make it to my birthday, I could get myself a doctors appointment and get the help that I need. Other times I don’t know if I’ll make it another hour.
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You should at least tell one parent so that you can see a doctor straight away.
ReplyI know that, but they’ll just think I’m seeking attention or they’ll take it personally. Anytime I tell them something big they react negatively. I don’t want that.
ReplyIf you can't tell a parents right now, please find someone else. Is there a teacher you trust? (That's who it'd be for me) Or a friend? Or someone at your church (or equivalent), or a different family member, or someone who runs a club you participate in? People can't help until they know there's a problem. Believe me, I fully understand that telling someone that something's wrong is scary and difficult, but it does get easier with time and it's the safest way forward.
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